I was living in the Congo, on the Dzanga Sangha reserve near a river. There were many things that could have potentially gone awry: hippo attack, elephant goring, chimpanzee dismembering, running out of TP... But there was one I didn’t really expect.

Same thing here, but this gets worse. Thought it was a pimple for the first couple of days. Didn’t go away... great what the crap is going on. About the third day it turns black... I’m thinking okay great, infected ingrown hair. I go to the doctor and go on antibiotics. During the next 7 days the whole thing turns…

This was something my daughter’s body had done, so it’s a nomination by proxy, and though not gross enough to compete with most the entries here, it’s damn amusing, so I shall submit it anyways.

In the mid-80's, when I was about 16, I got knocked off my motorbike by a car that didn’t see me and didn’t stop coming out of a side road. I ended up in hospital with a broken ankle and sprained wrist.

They plastered my ankle and wrist and sent me home.

I had hookworms as a kid. Tiny, white, wiggly worms that live in your butthole. I saw one sticking out of my poop one day and told my mom, who thought I was just being paranoid and told me to ignore it. Flash forward a few weeks later and it feels like my ass is full of broken glass. I go to take a dump, thinking it…

I gave birth to my first son in a hospital and tore a bit and so I had to get a few stitches (this is not the ew part, I mean ew, but not not OMG FUCK MY LIFE EEW, not yet).

Here’s something completely revolting:

I’ll give you guys a different one. Pertussis aka Whooping Cough.

I’m not a regular pooper. I go maybe 2-3 times a week, and it’s not uncommon for me to go a week without taking a shit. I’ve been to the doctor, they say it’s fine but to keep track of how often I go. So for the past 4 years or so, I’ve kept track of my pooping. Maybe a year and a half ago, my boyfriend went to Vegas…

Finally I get to share my story publicly in a setting where people WANT to hear it!!! In December 2014, I started having really massive stomach cramps. I thought perhaps I had eaten something bad, or was PMSing, but these cramps were constant. I couldn’t sleep, I stopped being able to eat. I couldn’t stand up…

I had a stubbornly antibiotic resistant C-Diff infection. Which did awful things. It lasted for most of 2 years, and it’s hard to talk about because it was a bit traumatic and I was delirious with fever for most of that time. But basically, I had explosive, uncontrollable diarrhea for 2 fucking years non-stop. Not…

I have adenomyosis. It causes my period to come out in clots, not in a flow.

I lost basically all of my blood out of my back end a couple years ago. Sat on the toilet one morning and woke up on the floor with a large knot on my forehead and a trail of blood behind me. I continued to bleed in the hospital and ended up needing a double bowel resection. I received 16 pints of blood during that…

“Three students in the class were planning on using the silica gel packets (these are not actually poison, but the students believed they were) from their lunchtime seaweed to poison and kill another student.”

lunchtime seaweed???

Just if anyone’s curious, scarlet fever starts with strep throat and then classically presents with a red rash that feels like sandpaper and usually spreads from the face/neck down your body. Also what’s called a “strawberry tongue” — bright red and bumpy, sometimes with a white film.

My dad (also a doctor) used to tell my brother and I when we were feeling sick to “go take a hot bath.” The man was a saint to his patients and yet our medical solutions at home all revolved around warm bodies of water. One time I was in a riding accident that was so bad, I broke my hip, my scapula, and my helmet was…