True story, a friend of mine was seated next to 2 Chainz in first class on a flight about 3 years ago. My friend in aisle, 2C in window. Being an old like me he had never heard of Monsieur Chainz and didn’t hear him clearly when they introduced each other so spent the whole flight calling him Touche. As in, “Touche,…

I remember working on the Pacific Princess under Captain Stubing. It was a pretty nice environment, the ship’s doctor was a perv, but I liked Isaac the bartender. The cruise director was kind of hyper, but it turns out she was pretty coked up. There was some brat running around too, but I pretty much ignored her. It…

So, this isn’t a mural from the Pawnee, IN courthouse?

“Donald, what’s your favorite Bible verse?”

I saw an episode where the woman took all her extra stockpile and made care packages for soldiers overseas. Which I think is a wonderful idea, I wish more couponers would take the excess (like, I stockpile toothpaste when it’s on sale but these people had their own damn STORES worth) and make packages for women’s…

When I was in junior high and high school, I took to writing poetry. A lot of it. When I was done with a poem I would show it to my dad and he would exclaim over how good it was and would discuss it with me as long as I wanted to talk about it, then put a copy in the safe in my parents’ bedroom. I seriously fancied…

(I have never attempted to post before so I have no idea if this will even show up, but my story is so exceptional that I have to share).

My dad convinced me and my sisters that “Resident” was a small, hairy person that lived under our house, which was built on a raised foundation. We put all our junk mail on the ground by the foundation’s vent hole, and would get so excited when it was gone next time we checked. “Resident came!”

Mine was during a family trip to Daytona when I was 7 or 8 years old. It wasn’t during Christmas- it was Easter rather, but it was still pretty fucking magical. We were on our annual spring break trip to the Casa Del Mar hotel. It was Easter Sunday, and my mom and dad coaxed me and my siblings down to arcade in the…

When i was about high-school aged, my Dad used to have McDonald’s serving trays in our house and would use them for breakfast in bed , etc. I asked my Dad how he got them and he would say, “It was tray day at McDonald’s!”

I’m the liar.

“Sorry, no, I can’t drop by with a sick care package for your pink eye/bronchitis/ear infection combination. The book I was reading this afternoon was really upsetting, so I had a few drinks, and between that and being emotional I really shouldn’t be driving.”

I am so god damned gullible i can’t even remember all of them. Most recently, JUST THIS WEEK, a coworker emailed to say her kid was reciting a poem at his school for the Christmas pageant and that “it would be on CNN.”

I have never tried this, so it might be bullshit, but here is a tip for how to deal with dusty candles.

How I picture Ellie and Joanna

When I was 20, I was working at a bookstore and living with my boyfriend, who also worked at the same bookstore. It was a small bookstore, with only 7 employees and when the holiday party rolled around we all went to a bar in Montouk and proceeded to get ripped. I had lost track of my boyfriend and started to make out…

This story coincidentally is one of the memories I am going to get EMDR for soon, so I can Men-in-Black that shit from my brain.

By “Holiday” do you mean the Good Friday when I hooked up with super hot Alex? Or the Easter Sunday when I met him at the family brunch and learned he was my dad’s half-sister’s son?

Mine was a quasi-hookup, but bear with me. These dudes who lived together in a house while attending college were close-knit so they had a “post-Christmas” in February, in one of the dudes’ ranch in the countryside. I was invited by my BFF, one of the dudes’ girlfriends, and I was newly single, so I went. There was…