So, my mother has always given me a messed up view on sex...she likened it to carving a chicken with a blade and cutting a beautiful wedding cake with an ax (I won’t even go there). When I was 16 I began a relationship with my high school english teacher (12 years older than me, but this isn’t about him) that was…

My boyfriend and I had been dating for maaaybe a month when, one night during some semi-drunk sexing, he managed to hit the perfect spot to rupture an ovarian cyst the size of my fist that I didn’t know existed. He then had to call his mother - at 3 in the morning - to come and drive us to the emergency room because I…

My MIL decided she was going to give my FIL a “binaca blow job.” She didn’t realize you’re supposed to spray it in your mouth, not on your husband’s cock. So she basically sprayed fire all over his junk.

My apologies in advance for the long backstory, but it is necessary to fully understand the horrible-ness of the situation. I live in a tiny apartment in New York with my wife and son, which, ever since our son has gotten the ability to walk and talk and whatnot already made sex a fairly covert affair (the window of…

My wife was feeling horny once while we were on a long driving trip. I believe we were going through Nebraska at the time. She was in the passenger seat, but unbuckled herself and slid over to my lap. (Yes in hindsight this wasn’t a good idea). Youth and stupidity, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, she was trying to be sexy…

Scene- My bedroom, 2 AM, after a bottle and a half of wine.
Players (In a theatre sense, not like, a gross way to say ‘lovers’ or whatever)- My husband and also my me.

We were young, early 20’s, shitty on wine, having laugh sex, where we sort of clumsily bounced around the bedroom, laughing and not totally putting all…

Everytime I get the “here, let me in” text from my boyfriend, I find him outside my apartment trimming his fingernails, just chilling outside clipping like it’s the most common thing in the world. Words cannot express my appreciation after reading this.

A testicle got stuck in a butthole.

NSFW unless you have headphones

YOUR WIFE IS A BIGFOOT, GUS.

I’m white. I learned spades at age 6. I will run some spades regardless of location/race of the participants. And then, yes, I will call you a bitch. This is not a race thing. This is a spades thing.

Um THE HOLIDAY is clearly the best

That picture never becomes less horrifying.

Welp.

woman does thing, is happy. society burns.

Having an unconventional, unusual, risky, or rare experience (porn, mountain climbing, making every Julia Childs dish etc) is insufficient preparation for writing good prose. I wish more people got that.

Attention all news outlets:

When I managed a Borders we were also responsible for this small calendar kiosk on the other side of the shopping center. I was there covering someone’s lunch break and this crazed woman came over demanding why we had no bichon frise calendars. The dog calendar people were always the weirdest.

I was way more of a smart-ass when I worked in a bookstore, since my manager was always job hunting and couldn’t have cared less. During the height of the “Twilight” craze, right when the last book and the first movie had been released, we were sent a metric ton of merch, including those SweetHearts chalk-flavored…