I’m an imperfect human being. I strive to meal prep and have nutritious food ready to bring to work, but sometimes it comes down to the high protein/high fiber Quest bar in my desk or chili cheese Fritos from the vending machine. I accept that.

I wish more people understood what the word “diet” actually means.

Except then when they cancel the flight or you miss it because your first plane was broken, your seat goes bye bye and your planning was for naught.

I’m always nice but my experience with airline personnel is they give zero shits.

Not defending her but “PICK AN AISLE SEAT DUMMY:” When things go wrong in air travel, as they often do, they don’t care what seat you picked when you booked. You sit where they put you.

I imagine you have to read it as a teenager to get into it. Everyone I know who read it as an adult, including myself, didn’t care for it.

When you live on 1200 calories/day and circuit training, feeling superior is the only fun you get. The trick is realizing why you’re thinking those asshole things and refraining from saying those asshole things.

A lot of adults never got past the punchline. Mentioning pees pees or boobies is the most surefire way to lower the room’s IQ.

In some jurisdictions, the forcible removal of a body part is actually called mayhem. I’ve always got a kick out of that.

Especially when he was kicking the shit out of the first person who intervened. And her friend.

I’m surprised stuff like this doesn’t happen more often. :(

But when the person you asked has rheumatoid arthritis so bad she is making plans to leave the city and literally can’t help you because her hands are so jacked up, please take her word for it instead of calling her a lazy asshole. I always got up and gave my seat to pregnant women.

I remember buying a sandwich at the work cafeteria and telling the cashier, Isis, that she had a beautiful name. And about a month later, ISIS hit the news big time. I’ve often thought of Isis the cashier and hoped no one gives her shit.

Ugh. 30ish years after its release, You Oughta Know is still my go-to breakup song. Really hoped I wouldn’t need one at this point but I had to break it out again just this week. :(

I’m the rare introvert who is both good at small talk and enjoys it. It helps that I actually find the mundane quite interesting, ESPECIALLY weather. 

I write what I need on the left side of the paper as I do menus, then arrange those items by location on the right side. But I’m shopping for one and only need one column.

Amazon Prime’s algorithm thinks my tastes are way more high-brow than they actually are.

If it were the movie, I would totally consider that possibility. I can smell what The Rock is cooking. The show? Not so much.

I’m 44, good job, homeowner, sexually active, never wanted children. Can you imagine the reaction if I got pregnant and was going around telling people “Yeah, I’m giving it up for adoption so it will have a better life!”

$233 FOR AMOXICILLIN??? FELONY CHARGES???