Anyone who eats at Waffle House at 2am pm is suspect. FTFY.

In other words, this Waffle House hashbrowned story was poorly Covered before it was Scattered and Smothered all over by conservatives who Chunked it off to their buddies. Topped off by the fact this guy Diced his chances before, the staff was rightly Peppered that someone could wind up Capped by his recklesness. I…

“ The second item not reported accurately was the time the most recent incident occurred, 2AM. We have associates who have to make snap decisions on our third shifts to provide for their own safety and the safety of our customers.”

Anyone who eats at Waffle House at 2am is suspect. Anyone who brings a gun into a Waffle House at 2am is downright crazy. Anyone who disagrees with this has obviously not been to Waffle House enough.

Like hell am I going to a Waffle House in Kentucky at 2am without my gun.

I’m confused by the notion that Waffle House gets any business that isn’t between the hours of 11 PM and 6 AM.

Tsk, tsk. Everyone knows leaving your gun outside is like eating waffles with a side of emasculation.

So this guy’s entire professional career has been peppered with morally questionable and ethically sketchy shit, yet the thing that derails him is a (no doubt) poorly lit, shaky cellphone video (shot in portrait) of him making like The Beast With Two Backs?

God, America truly is a nation of puritanical pukes.

My favorite food-related story about my family’s late purebred black lab (RIP Jazzy):

God, I hate people. For some reason spending money on pets pisses off assholes like nothing else. Expensive vacations? Fine! Club memberships? No problem! Eating out at pricey restaurants every night? Good for you! But spend more than about $50 on an animal for any reason and people are MORALLY OUTRAGED.

I’m picturing this like a dramatic movie, the dog presses up against the fence, hurting, getting shocked, but he has to get somewhere. He pushes more, the fence begins to bend. Feeling close to freedom, he gives it every last bit of effort, sparks start shooting everywhere, a choir sings in the background, the sky is…

My beagle once got through about half of an oversized 1lb Hershey’s Kiss that my idiot boyfriend at the time left on the coffee table in easy reach of her insatiable gullet. I called the vet and they advised me to induce vomiting with hydrogen peroxide.

I had a beagle who was exactly like this. Once she figured out that the ground cover with ornamental strawberries were edible, we never saw the fruit again. If she ever got out of the yard, we knew we could just find her in the compost pile on the other side of the fence, digging away.

Our beagle one time at an entire Hershey’s Pot of Gold from under the Christmas tree. One of my BFFs from high school is a vet, so we called him, freaking out that chocolate is poisonous for dogs. He told us that because a lot of those things are nougat and milk chocolate, she’d be fine. So unless your dog eats like 2…

#WeAreRollo

My pit bull was like Rollo, to a lesser degree. She once ate a Coke can. She left the ends, but ate the rest of it. This prompted our vet to suggest that I pick up all of her poops in plastic bags and *smoosh* it until I was sure that she had passed it.

“he’d monitor each berry individually for ripeness and eat it off the plant the instant it reached edibility” hahahahahaha this is priceless.

I understand this dog. I mean, who among us has never chewed the locks off of a container to eat a dozen chocolate muffins?

For ten years my parents refused to spend money on AC for their home in New Hampshire (which could get very sweltering in the summers). However, after one summer with the dog they were like, “SHE NEEDS AIR CONDITIONING!” and upgraded the house immediately with AC, costing like 5-10 grand. My brother and I were like,…

Purebred labs would eat until they literally explode... there doesn’t seem to be an off button on their appetites (which I can sympathize with).