MY NEW COMPANY IS ONLY HIRING WOMEN AND NOW I HAVE 70% OF THE OPERATING COSTS OF ALL OF MY COMPETITORS SO SHOULD DOMINATE THE INDUSTRY! YAY RICHES!

ps we are closed one week a month when our aunt flo visits.

What is a "Muslim"?

Only the government can be guardian in China! Galaxy stops at Chinese border!

When my teacher used to give me shoulder massages when I was stressed, it was the best. Then she would tell me what a nice butt I had and then rub it too. Then she would say, it'll be easier to loosen up those muscles if you take your pants off, so i would. Sometimes she would accidentally bump into my dick and then…

I really really really hope Matt's character is wrong and Anne Hathaway's character does not, in fact, make it. Also I hope this is the beginning of the movie, so i can enjoy the rest of the movie.

anyone who is smiling in a library is probably a homeless person looking at porn. Why the hell would anyone else even go to a library anymore?

also the proper "calibrate my dick" usage

wait, hold on, these are walruses. Don't you have to have feet or legs to stampede anything?

that and a .50 caliber machine gun could solve world hunger...

why would you get on the vertical drop thingy to get away from zombies???

Future hipster: "Oh you just have a fixed gear bike? How retro. Your wheels are way to round. Round is the new square."

I was kinda hoping his response would be the "LALALALALA" war cry. Classic Muslim

"Suck it. F*#$ Yeah!" -America

this makes me think of "Z Nation" and how much it makes me want to punch the kid from Roadtrip when he goes from going crazy from isolation to super "cool" wearing sunglasses kickassery that makes him look like the most bipolar NSA person ever. God I hope he gets eaten.

I saw Maze Runner last weekend and I want my hours back. I cant believe they are making a sequel to this hot mess. Then again, I didnt think the SyFy crappo boogie monsters would be supported by the sticks of the maze map shelter but i was wrong there too...

Does this mean they get the 7/11 franchise territorial rights for all of Mars?

i wouldn't say clamoring...

they still havent figured out the fork