THEY’RE COMIN INTO THIS COUNTRY TAKIN OUR JOBS

Seems about right

Was it? I thought that was Reese Witherspoon’s? (sidebar: there are too many fucking “lifestyle brands”)

My friend saw Ryan Lochte on Tinder when he was in NYC! She swiped right just in case, but unfortunately there was no match

ahahaha YES

DEFINITELY what happened. He’s going to be INTERESTING on Bachelor in Paradise, to say the least.

I saw that!! We need to talk about this!!!!!

He’s apparently going to be on Bachelor in Paradise, so at least we have the chance to watch him on THAT particular island of ridiculousness.

That’s the thing I really can’t understand—isn’t the possibility of autism a small price to pay to have a child that is otherwise healthy and ALIVE?? (never mind that vaccines don’t even cause autism)

I think they meant “liable?” As in, if their children drop dead of a particularly nasty strain of measles they don’t want to get in trouble, I guess.

I’m still all about Wells!! He’s so cuuuuuute and wonderful

Pieces like that make me want to go to grad school—I was a lit major, and I find the lines drawn between the “reality” of reality TV and the storylines they create for same to be FASCINATING.

But the meat of the episode

That’s exactly what I would be afraid of. There’s no way I’d trust myself half-awake with a gun trying to fend off intruders as it is, and then the idea of doing something so horrible and so avoidable? It breaks my heart and burns me up inside.

My mom keeps a Louisville Slugger under her side of the bed

I can totally imagine the founding fathers, upon seeing what kinds of weapons we’ve got going on now: “well, shit, um, that’s a terrible idea.”

Everybody thinks they’re the Good Guy™ until they’re not.

That’ll be great when one of her damn kids comes home late and is greeted in the hall with that thing

Ahh, I was just about to send you the Blake Lively thing based on this quip alone: