Take home message: reaching into your waistband isn't as easy as the cops would have you believe.

My daughter died in 2011 when she was five from a malignant brain tumor.

When a woman knows you're down to toss her salad, she knows shit is about to get real.

this NSFW needed at least 10 extra !'s

To our male oppressor/friends: We don't want to be sexualized by you, subjected to the male gaze, or ANY kind of sexual objectification, but STRIPPERS ARE LITERALLY THERE TO BE HOT AND ADMIRED LIKE OMG!!! Make sure you bring $40 too because strippers deserve mad respect.

We all thought Roger Goodell was bad, well, things are about to get a lot worse under Commissioner Carrie Nation.

So, say you got a DUI, and then got probation-before-judgment, which is a fairly common outcome. If you failed a sobriety test at any point during that probation, you would probably go to jail. I think this is ridiculous, too, but let's not pretend it's as simple as "Dumb NFL penalizing player for doing something…

Took 'em a little while, but they've effectively run one of the most exciting players out of the league. The NFL Shield must only be represented by proper role models like Tom Brady, who cheats on the field as confidently as he did on his pregnant ex-wife.

He just figured if he saw three Johnny Manziels, maybe one of them could complete a fucking pass to him.

This is officially more ridiculous than any scandal involving balls and puns.

You just broke the comment euphemism density record.

The "don't be Phil Hellmuth" rule. Good point. (Even if you *can* win 10+ WS of Poker bracelets like Phil. It's still a dick move.)

I would suggest this: Don't be an asshole. Don't berate people for hitting a two-outer on the river. Don't throw your hands up in the air when someone calls your bluff with second pair. You're upset? Just say "nice hand" and try to move on.

See, like this.

Counterpoint: Nothing disrupts a self-proclaimed poker pro, of the variety who writes long-winded preachy lectures about the proper "table etiquette", like doing everything listed above as something you should not do.

Say what you will about Roger Goodell, but I think it's pretty neat he signs each ball.

Why did you have a brick sitting in your living room?