Can’t

I saw Bird in a bar once. He had the biggest head of any human I’ve ever seen.

...I think you might want to see a podiatrist.

LAWYER: You can never go back to Brazil.
Lochte: Man, but I really enjoyed Europe!

Agreed. No one (I hope) is just eating onions straight. But they’re pretty essential for a lot of really good things in life. And supposedly super healthy last I heard. Until Big Food changes its mind.

What do you think is the worst vegetable? I say onions. I’ve never eaten something and said “You know what? That could’ve used onions. That would’ve really made it better.” They could disappear of the face of the Earth and I wouldn’t care or notice.

Schreier: How has the optimization been going? There’s so much going on and there are so many graphical effects that it must be tough to get a stable framerate on consoles.

For a second there, Ryan Lochte thought he’d dyed and gone to heaven.

And that, boys and girls, is how Patricia's inbox got flooded with dickpics.

Listen, I’m just glad you overcame your stroke and can use a keyboard again. I’m sure your tastebuds will come back eventually.

It’s because you’re looking up definitions instead of reading the fucking situation in which a likely swarthy fellow wearing mostly white (possibly eggshell) who has been checking out your better half is asking to go somewhere and get nude.
Stop looking things up you prude nerd.

I remember doing duck and cover drills in school but only because it gave me a prime view of Holly Lance’s sweet ass.

Pictured: the Olympic pool operator

Whether on Earth or planet Harambe, I just won’t pay retail price.

Man shut the fuck up

A bunch of people stand around the Mewtwo stand, frantically battling it.

Not to speak for Hannah, but I think 1) don’t congratulate yourself for being a feminist 2) don’t tie your feminism to a purely personal context because that’s shitty feminism