Get out of the city!

18/20. What, you never heard of Scunthorpe?

I’m surprised it wasn’t worse, especially at the end. The way that game ended made me never want to see football again. It also made me want to smash something with an ax handle. (I didn’t. But I didn’t have an ax handle, either.)

But they’re so succulent.

I am also aware of the irony in “Vlad the Imploder” being a Bengals fan. Because of COURSE I am.

I swear to god I am gonna switch sports entirely and go focus on Tottenham Hotspur, because by comparison, they’re far saner and less tormented. And yes, I have read enough to know what I’m saying when I say that.

I’m so angry Malcolm Tucker is telling me to cool it with the cursing but fuck it, you get a star.

Everything I said yesterday about things being so much better under Marvin might be null and void now. This is the worst, the very worst. That it happened THIS way to THESE guys is an absolute disgrace.

I love that Freddie DeBoer is a Deadspinner.

Not so, they had to get a first down. Steelers had three time outs left. But still. Goddamn.

I hope not. We saw what happened to Hitchbot.

My god, that thing. Don’t get me started. The weirdest part is if you just look at his face, he doesn’t look like an NFL player AT ALL, let alone someone who has THAT on his chest. He looks like a former frat boy who is well on his way to decades of softening at his desk in a State Farm office in the sixth-largest…

McCarron has been pretty solid, though. Nobody is giving the Bengals much of a chance - what else is new - but beating the Steelers would, truly, be the sweetest possible way to break through the playoff ice.

Figures that people like that would like to have a fancy dog.

Elon Musk: he did it thirty-five minutes ago.

Yokel Haram! The hits just keep coming.

Ryan Gosling better avoid you too, just to be safe.

I had to go back and re-read this fantastically funny Grantland piece from 2013 (2013?! That was practically yesterday. Things went south fast, although I guess in this case they went north first.) The Ryan Leaf jersey bit makes it.

Had that one in the fridge a while, eh? Well done.

We eagerly await next year’s table fables.