I used the Bar Method, and I got great results: I was shitfaced drunk in under 30 minutes!

As every New Jersey raised teen knows, senior prom is really just a lead up to this thing we call "Beach House" - a 3 day long drinking binge where upwards of forty 18-year-olds cram themselves into a 5 bedroom house down the shore and pay thousands of dollars for the Seaside Heights cops to pretend they don't know…

For my junior prom, I attended with my boyfriend, my best friend, and my boyfriend's good friend who was my own friend's date. The guys were a year ahead of us so they wanted to attend a different party after the dance. I dropped them off at some rich girl's family mansion and we picked them up a few hours later. At…

High School blew for me. But I was determined to enjoy prom. My boy friend of 2 years (Or a million years in high school, but who's counting) dumped me right before prom. That was cool, I got to go with my bestie, who hated school as much as I did. Actually, at this point she had already dropped out of school and…

Well.... looks like I'll be having an existential crisis now.....

I threw up a little bit on my boyfriend's dick once. Thank God for men with a sense of humor and a grounded perspective.

Edgar Allen Poe's bedroom.

I was taking a walk with this girl I had a crush on late at night and we walked by my old elementary school. It was locked up but we somehow got in and played on the swings and jungle gym in the playground. There was a couple of those big monster truck tires half buried in the wood chips so we crawled into one to see…

Well, it was Senior Prom, which, for my group of friends and buddies was really just an excuse to dress up, get drunk, and screw around until it was time for the after party. When the cops busted us I got handcuffed because , even at that time, I was a large and intimidating adult, so they thought better safe than…

I can't believe I'm doing this...

New Year's Eve, 2010. After a very nice pre-game of oysters and champagne, mistercharles and I got on the #1 bus in Cambridge to head back to Boston to properly Auld Lang Syne. As we got on the bus, the driver barked, "All the way back", which didn't seem meaningful until I glanced to my right and stopped so…

I FORGOT A GOOD ONE. I was on BART, during rush hour when the trains are packed. I was standing up near a woman who was sitting down. With no warning, she scoots to the edge of the seat, reaches up her dress, AND PULLS HER TAMPON OUT, it's DRIPPING BLOOD, and she STUFFED IT IN THE SPACE BETWEEN THE SEAT AND THE WALL.

I was a pharmacy tech in college. One guy brought in a prescription for antibiotics for a staph infection on his arm. When he gave me the rx, his wound was either bandaged or covered by his shirt, I don't remember. So while this guy was waiting for me tofill his meds, he decided he needed to check his blood sugar. I…

Lentils!

I'm pretty sure my status as An Old has been cemented, and if it hasn't, it will be now. Spring Break '93 and my friends and I decide to fly out and crash at my roommate's brother's apartment in West Hollywood. Well, one of my friends' boyfriends was a big tattoo guy, and he wanted a t-shirt from Sunset Strip Tattoos,…

When I was four I was in OHare airport with my parents on the way to Salt Lake City. This was 1986. A man in a gold glittery suit walked by with a bunch of other men. I broke from my parents and ran after him. I grabbed his knee and was immediately picked up and handed to my parents by the other men. That golden man…

BookExpo America in Chicago, 2004. I was at a late-night party for some erotica publishing company and I was not feeling it at all. It was late, I was tired, and BEA was winding down and it was really just time to go HOME already.

So in high school, my then-boyfriend and I would often "go bowling" aka go to this abandoned place in the woods near his house where we had a tent all set up for the making out and the sexytimes. We'd already been interrupted a couple of times that night— parents coming home unexpectedly, etc— so we left for the tent…

and SCENE... I was 16 years old. My family was doing renovations on the house turning my current bedroom into a hallway that led to their future master bedroom. I was forced to continue to live in said hallway/bedroom until renovations were complete and they could move in. So just a giant piece of black tarp hanging…

This story has never been unveiled and I'm three whiskeys deep while dinner is still-a-cookin' so I figured "hey why not put it on the internet?!" I know, I know, my genius is unmatched. So, anywho—-