Roger Goddell - The Ginger Hammer

“No, mom, I need my big toe - for running and shit! They said they were going to put my LITTLE toe - my PINKY toe - where my thumb used to be."

Stool doable....I mean.....Still doable!

A cryptic note to the Stavanger police from the suspect, Dridaren, simply read, "Norway man, you're not going to Sweden talk me into stopping because I am Finnish with you golfers. Now I must eat this Danish to create new poop for tomorrow night."

Sylvester the Cat and Tweety Bird not on the list?

This....is....superb!

1 Xanax, 1 Whiskey - the only way to fly!

Matthew:

I needed a warning label on this. Trying to get through this day with a raging hangover, work sucks, I hate everybody, and now I have to rinse my eyes out with bleach. Thanks Tim.

“I hate the Raiders and I promise to build a wall to keep them out of our country. Did I mention my billions?”

He must have an ENORMOUS Schwanzstucker! Oof!

This was truly captivating. I felt like I was there. I tip my cap to you.

“When I am President, this behavior will be dealt with harshly and swiftly. Immediate execution. The kid who ran on the field AND the fans who cheered him. How dare they besmirch our National Pastime. In conclusion, I have 10 billion American dollars.”

“From conception to birth to beyond, children are filthy little snot-crusted, shit-covered monsters who simply cannot be trusted and should be labeled as criminals - cribs should be four concrete walls topped with razor wire and a sharpshooter positioned on every corner!”

Are you sure this isn’t just a alcohol-fueled gay wedding reception? It legal now, right?

You made everyone fall in love with you in one spectacular post!

I too, died. Is it warm where you are? I feel like it is really rather warm in here.

Erin -kudos...one of the top 10 posts I have ever read here. I cried, I laughed, you made me think. Thank you.

Ha Ha Clinton-Dix + Tad Dickman = funny, presidential, smallish penis

I second!