Sure, tell that to Long Juan Silvio.

Trot yourself over and saddle up to the next food booth, pal.

I think a more modern Bugs Bunny might just cut out Mar-a-Lago and call it good.

The problem with avocados is NOT the preparation. It is being able to find that 17 minute window when they are perfectly ripe. It is the worst Goldilocks scenario.

I approve of this kind of dirty talk.

Did I just watch a #MeToo momnent?

“Office” Porn: plenty of buttholes.

Agreed. Now, for her colon’s sake, we pray.

I hear tell that Sally is a Bitch.

Thou may presume too much, good Sir. My moniker is not a description of activity as much as a commentary on the banality of existence. Think “Dust In The Wind”. Plus, I haven’t taken an elevator in years - and it is NOT because of the ban.

Sharing with dogs doesn’t count. They are the superior life-form and it is an honor to share sustenance with them.

Dump her and run. SAVE YOURSELF!!!

I love my wife. But... she bought a bunch of gourmet lollipops (she quit smoking and is channeling Telly Savalas) and keeps asking me to have a taste. You mean you want me to try to enjoy the experience of licking a large, round orb of flavored sugar that has been in your gob for the last five minutes? Jesus, Fuck, no…

Old Joke: Where does a King keep his armies?

This sounds like how we save the planet. What if the truck is a milk truck, and instead of pushing the Pope, you make the truck driver slam on his brakes. The truck starts to jackknife and the contents spill out onto the Pope and extinguishes the flames.

Prior to application, Cheato holds up the tube of orange concealer like Simba in The Lion King and chants, “I need you to do me a favor, though.”

I like how every family has something like cousin Jenny’s Lasagna. My family always had Grandma’s Tamales and the store bought ones now are just not as good. Our generation started a new tradition: French Onion Soup in individual little crocks. My wife’s family was big with steamed broccoli and velveeta, or broc n…

They just replaced the piece of coal located where his heart is supposed to be.

That’s what she said.