My kid lived in white onesies (with stains all over them, cuz laundry is bullshit) and a diaper for six months of the year. The other six months, when it was colder outside, she wore jammies over that.

And not in newborn sizes. Buy a couple different larger sizes. We had a kid whose butt seemed to grow between diaper changes. At noon, she was a size 3. By 5 p.m., she was a 4 or a 5. Babies are weird, man.

This would be me. I would love to have that secret so that I could giggle behind my hand and lord it over everyone for months. Not even kidding.

It’s because they have no idea how to start pre-judging the baby. Is it going to be strong and smart, or cute and dainty? NO ONE KNOWS.

The problem with Kendra is that I *want* to like her. I mean, I *get* her: Fucked-up family. She’s trying desperately to be a thing. I want to be on her side with LIFE. But then she goes and ... says some utterly inexplicable stupid-bitch shit.

All my hormones just dried right up after reading that. Like, I don’t even need menopause. It’s like you just made me go through commentopause.

At some point, KK is going to have to start taking selfies of her cervix to get attention, because the Instaverse will have seen everything else.

“Code word: evangelical” is the funniest shit EVER.

Where is the ringtone where I wake to the sound of him urgently whispering my name????

I have, like, a severe phobia of unattached hair or fur. Like, furry animals don’t bother me, and I like hairy men, but lumps or clumps of hair or fur FREAK ME THE FUCK OUT. (I can’t look at the hair on the floor before it’s swept up when I get a haircut, even.)

This. TOTALLY THIS. I live next door to the capital of Asshat Christianity USA. THE men who try to make this a thing are insecure fuckers who cannot handle the idea of a woman with a thought that does not involve how awesome he is.

“I need a woman. Can somebody get me a woman? Anybody know where I can find a woman??? I don’t need a whole binder full of ‘em, I just need ONE. Just one ... a woman! I need a woman! Oh, wait — there’s one!”

Fangs. I also have fangs. Is that disqualifying???

Much more likely she has already seen a penis. Basis for comparison is very, very bad.

OK, so, piercings are out, but what about scars from bullet wounds? Would that be disqualifying????

His favorite movie is “Scarface” because he aspires so.

His dad did NOT hug him enough.

“Poker player” AND “Internet personality” tells me all I need to know. That’s gossip-rag code for “douche-bro.” And that beard. UGH. You KNOW it needs fumigation on the reg.

Ohhhhh, this steering wheel is soooooo heavy. It’s really hard for me to hold onto it AND hit the gas pedal at the same time because my giant boobs get in the way. And also driving really fast makes my uterus wander.

Oh, fuck me. Food has jumped the shark.