YES. When I get calls from dudes at work who say “gal,” I already know: Asshole. I don’t need to hear another word. It’s like the clarion call of midlife douche-bros.

Your cousin or her baby?

That’s the best damn cross-stitch throw pillow ever.

Flee. Run like the fucking wind.

Yes. I will *pretend* to fuck Guy Fieri all day long, but fucking the actual Guy Fieri? Bridge too far.

I licked ice cream off my own stomach last weekend. It was delicious. (Ben & Jerry’s Truffle Trifecta.)

OMG. That panda might be my ex-husband.

The gif of that cat is awesome. He looks so serene. By “serene,” I mean, with every flick of his tail, he’s plotting a new place to set his claws into whoever is holding the camera. He’s thinking: YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOUR FACE WILL BE HAMBURGER WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE!

I do not understand a fucking thing about Bethenny Frankel. She buys her kid’s shoes at Kmart? She grew up at a racetrack but is surprised that people speak Spanish? She doesn’t know that she’s a bitch? It’s not like it’s been awhile since she looked into a mirror

I read that part to my husband and said, NOBODY wants to be somebody’s SALAD.

Je suis Amy.

Amy Schumer stole one of MY jokes, and it was WORSE THAN THE HOLOCAUST.

I know a cool nun who is former dean of a girls school and she is pro-reading. She is older than your mom by a couple decades. :-)

I totally knew that George was gay, and it was very confusing to me, because I was 8 years old and had been raised to believe that all gay people were bad and only lived in New York City or Los Angeles.

WHAT? I obviously missed a very important plot point.

Ned Nickerson was in college for, like, 67 years. How many damn times did he change his major????

I wish I could star this a billion times, but I only starred it once. Sorry.

Chelsea Handler is totally that girl in high school who you were like, OK, I don’t like her, and I don’t NOT like her, I just want her not to notice me so that she can’t decide that it’s Tuesday so I’m the one she hates today for some reason.

Wait. Tom Cruise directed “Tropic Thunder”? Please don’t make me have to hate that movie.

Quick question: Can I have $15,000? For a ... thing. A thing I need to buy. Do. A thing I need to do, I mean.