Probably a little chillier, I’m guessing.

I’m sure he does all that stuff. While trying very hard to ignore all the dudes in black suits with little curly-telephone-cord earpieces hanging around. (“That guy is ALWAYS sitting on that park bench reading the newspaper outside this corner store ...”)

Define “normal person.” (Seriously. Because I think Snowden really could use the info.)

I took “161 years young” in the office pool.

I genuinely cannot stop snort-laughing at this photo. It is so fucking cliche, it’s like an entire “SNL” skit in one SINGLE FRAME. The cherry on the sundae is the tiny lil’ American flag on the table. LEST YOU FORGET.

Baby sandwiches.

OH MY GOD. Maybe I’m your older sister!

It was the only way to be. I tried to make sure that the dangly earring had lots of moving parts. But I had this one really heavy cloisonné triangle that got lots of compliments. AND DUDES ALWAYS WANTED TO TOUCH THEM. My earrings, I mean.

Skintight black stirrup pants, a button-up shirt that covered my ass, my ankle boots. Plus one stud earring and one dangling earring. BOOM.

Hey, if you’re Lindsay Lohan, it is a VERY BIG DEAL when you remember that you live on Earth.

I hope he’s wearing it ironically. Because he drew it on with a pen he found in the bottom of his mom’s purse.

He looks like he drew that mustache on with a Magic Marker. STOP DRAWING ON YOUR FACE, MICHAEL.

I starred this post because it’s a rare mention of clothing things (shoes) that I know. Elf boots FOR LYFE.

Yaaaaaaaaas.

There should be some sort of rule that, when a state gets rid of the statutes of limitations for rape charges, the law rescinding them should be named the Justice Against Bill Cosby Act. BOOM. There’s his legacy. Asshole.

Dream Killers suck. To be completely fair, my husband refuses to let me get an electric cattle prod “for protection.” I even promised I’d be careful with it.

He would yell shit randomly during commencement speeches about how young black men should pull up their pants.

I thought the same thing. I refuse to watch the video of the perp walk — he’s really hamming up the ol’ “I’m soooooooooo olllllllllld and feeeeeeeeeeeble, won’t someone bring meeeeeeeee my caaaaaaane” bullshit.

My husband said: DO THEY HAVE PUDDING IN JAIL???

I sleep every night in thin white Hanes tagless T-shirts. I’m going to wear one (they’re VERY thin, and my nipples are clearly visible through them) throughout New Hampshire (once it’s warm!). But atop the shirt I shall wear nipple clamps, which have a heavy silver chain between them. I’m going to SWING MERRILY…