To me, “Trump + Hubbard” makes actual, literal sense. Like, when you ask yourself: What kind of person could believe that Trump would make a good president? The only possible answer is, The same kind of person who believes Xenu, volcano, tin-can mind auditing ...

OH MY GOD. HER 12-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW MIGHT DISCOVER A PENIS!!!! <insert gif of ship, already sailed>

I ate a pint of Americone Dream for dinner two nights this past week. God bless Stephen Colbert. Also, I was horny as hell: Everyone looked good to me, like a naked, wet-lipped, human-size pint of Americone Dream.

I adore Will Farrell. As someone who has spent a lot of time in a past life with many dudes who should have the words MASTER THESPIAN tattooed on their foreheads, I recognize and applaud Will Farrell’s embrace of the shtick. Also: Talladega Nights. I laughed so hard in the theater my husband was afraid I was going to…

I would. I mean, self-hatred is my dominant emotion, so.

This is Travis Barker, right here. NO MAKEUP.

What is WRONG with him, that Tay didn’t comp him any seats? (Answer: Everything.)

To the casual observer, it probably appears that my best friend spends a lot of time on her phone. More than most plugged-in members of the Millennial generation.

Sign me up for a hefty donation to this very worthy cause. RPGs for all the women!!! Oh, Halliburton, oh Halliburton, wherefore art thou???

Never has a stupid bitch been more deserving of a doxxing. I need to know who this Jennifer Aniston wannabe/Leslie Mann-sounding fire-face cretin is.

It reminds me of when I answered my daughter’s questions about Where Do Babies Come From. I honestly thought she might throw up, and I was all: Please don’t puke on my bed. (I’m a very empathetic parent.)

It was apparently some dude who apparently thought that he and my husband were very bro-y friends. My husband was like: I barely know him! (True story: It happened a few days after some meeting where the guy made some suggestion, and my husband was like, Good idea, and apparently that was enough to make Bro think my…

I looooove how the mom deflects when he says: “How’d you get it IN there?” And she’s like: “We just did ... YOU’RE GONNA BE A BIG BRUTHA!”

I have never understood this, either. It seems very bro-y to me, to a degree of bro-y-ness that I cannot comprehend. Like, apparently there are 62-year-old lawyers who have never not been bro-y. Do they email it to each other to laugh about it? Like, hahahahaha, look at all those gaping holes?

I love all pretzels except for Pennsylvania “Dutch” pretzels, which is what we call them where I’m from. They’re like salted, twisted rocks. And they taste almost as good.

I’m insanely happy for Lucy Liu. I know absolutely nothing about her, but I think she’ll be a terrific mom. You know how some people you’re like, “Ugh — I totally do not know this person, but she’s going to be an awful parent”? This is the opposite of that ... sort of.

PSA: I made the mistake of clicking on the link in the word “meltdown,” thinking they might have the woman’s name. It’s a Fox News site. The comments are HORRIFIC — jokes about the Holocaust, her plastic surgery, and many, many comparisons to Hillary Clinton. Plus the, you know, customary Fox News comments such as…

I hate myself for asking this, but could y’all please ungrey me? Also, could you please tell me whether the guy in the photo with that Will Smith fella is Joel Kinnaman? I desperately heart Joel Kinnaman — I’d watch him read from the phone book. Especially if he was naked.

We are all Yoko in different containers. Mine is from the Container Store. I am not down with that lame-ass Rubbermaid shit.

Oh DEAR GOD. Another memory unleashed, this time from high school — I was with a friend and I needed to buy tampons. I get them, go to the counter, and the cashier is one of my classmates from high school. Like, in ALL my classes. I was mortified. Kudos to me, though — I went through the transaction LIKE A BOSS, and…