I don’t understand a fucking thing about this post. Where are the real words to describe the women I know — “raving bitch when you touch my food,” “severely pissed off about that whole pay-gap thing” and “married him because his hands just KNOW WHAT TO DO”???

“Versatile” — she can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, ever let him forget HE’S A MAN. Cuz she’s a WOMAN (of tremendous VIRTUE ...)

My daughter is a very stubborn kid. Her first complete sentence, at age 2, was: “No, I do it.” She was getting up and making her own breakfast (oatmeal packets, in the microwave) at the age of 3, doing her own laundry at 5 (I am not making this up — she had to move piles of dirty clothes to the front of the washing…

Every single day, that man looks more and more like an android wearing a skin suit.

When the show was new, I was probably a bit too old for the demographic. I haaaaaaaated it. It was not really on my radar, except as some dreck that the kids I babysat for LOVED.

Speaking as someone who loves the beej (I have been known to trap my husband and force him to submit — yes, he lives a terrible life), I think it's AWESOME that she's setting her boundaries. It's totally cool to be like: I don't suck it if you don't lick it. We need more communication, more straightforward "this is…

I just got the awesomest idea. For April Fool's Day, Imma make a video and post it to Twitter. In that video, Imma be appearing to lose my shit over this pre-fetal boy-band drama. My friends will stage an intervention, and I'll be able to tell them: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA, JOKE'S ON YOU, FOOLS! Y'ALL KNOW I DON'T HAVE ANY…

Please tell me the son was Chet Haze. Because then I could say that SJP and I shared something special.

His hair. Is he 5? Is he 7?

Hmmm. I used to really like Reese Witherspoon, but now ... I have my doubts. The DUI and the "do you KNOW who I am" tantrum that accompanied it. "Do you know who I am" is, to me, as if you run the words "I am a straight-up asshole" through Drunk Google Translate.

Wait, what? Chris Cooper is in this? I am THERE. If you haven't seen "Lone Star," you have not lived an actual life. I adore Chris Cooper.

I clicked on that link and was reading all the shirts, and I thought: THESE SHIRTS ARE THE STOOPID.

She's very beige. In the wrong light. she's probably greige.

His face ... is creeping me out. Like, he's too intense about this turtle. Calm down, turtle lover!

I loooooove Jerry Orbach. He is all the stars, and the sun, and the moon.

Is he ... even a person? Or just a ... doll?

I strongly believe that those pink pants are VELOUR, which makes me love them. And love him, for wearing them. WHO would not like pink velour pants? People with no taste, obvy.

Chris Brown is a shart in the form of a human.

YES. PERFECT.

EMMA THOMPSON AS MRS. POTTS??? I just fainted. This is way too awesome for my brain to deal with. Seriously, I just fainted.