Beards are facial pubes. You can shampoo and condition your heart out, but you’re still going to have wiry pubes on your face - albeit a bit softer and shinier which makes kissing Grizzly Adams somewhat more tolerable.

One gets a sense of dirtiness, even if the guy with the beard is dressed well. Not sexy.

No, that’s a smile...something you’re probably not used to seeing on a woman.

Ugh, this wannabe victim. Riding the rape-accusation train to GLORY. Now look at her. She’s got everything! A face with a mouth! College! A mattress! Some people who don’t like this precious male on her behalf! WHAT NEXT?! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO GIVE THIS LIAR NEXT?!

The chutzpah of this asshole is incredible. Columbia is discriminating against you based on your gender because they won’t stop women from protesting against the problem of rape and sexual violence on campus and the university’s poor response to it?!

I prefer to take 1 Klonopin but it just relaxes me, it doesn’t really put me to sleep. So I’m like, shrug, I’m on a plane, shrug, turbulence, etc. So it’s great for having layovers. If I need to kick my brain into high gear, it’s pretty easy. But if I take 2, it puts me to sleep (which I don’t prefer), even though I…

I won’t disagree with most of your statements, but I take great offense to the jalapeño comment. Sitting in their own juice makes them far better, no question.

Endanger

I've put a pin in at least 50 condoms and I'm still without child, but I'll keep trying. One of us is bound to fall pregnant on accident sooner or later if we don't stop, you know?

Since I am totally the Allen in my relationship, I can totally leave a message just for Allen, right? Ok, here goes. I hope you are listening (um, reading?) Allen:

You guys remind me (in the best way) of Jenny Lawson and her husband Victor.

"Can we just get a pretzel instead?" Allen asked. "You like pretzels."

It’s only fair, right? How many years have we had exclusively men on our bills? It’ll take that many years again with only women just to balance things out.

EXACTLY GUYS. They’re allowed to be GAY, they just can’t be gay IN PUBLIC. Because LAWDY LAWDY if our kids see two dudes who love each other it will turn them SUPER GAY, especially if they see it in a game where they are brutally and graphically murdering people. (But don’t worry, violence in video games doesn’t make…

hahaha, you’re a fucking moron.

You ain't gonna hold the video landscape, then I'm smacking your kid.

It’s not traumatic for everyone.

it

The Pickle Mound is my penis.