Q. (He hung up, he didn't like the specials)

I wish California was closer. I think I love these people and want to eat their food.

"And here is our garden."

She can be as beautiful or as plain as the part requires. SHE IS THE END

I hate getting involved in bullshit wars... but man would I love for us to kill the shit out of these people. Go in, wipe them out, leave. I'd probably feel much better about it than Iraq or Afghanistan at least.

Human sacrifice bombing

If there is anything more despicable and cowardly than this...grown men too pussy to go to their own deaths they have to send a baby to do their mass murder for them. I fucking hope there's a god and I fucking hope there's a hell and I fucking hope they burn in it forever

I think Meryl has the more feminine, soft face, which makes me think of the damsel in distress that is typically in King Kong, or at least the original, so I was really surprised at that she was considered too ugly for the part. But I never saw the film or only bits and pieces so maybe this character is less damsely…

I think this has to be in the top 10 most traumatic things that can happen to you. I'm assuming that anyone who wasn't aware that they were pregnant obviously wasn't trying to get pregnant, so on top of going into labour with absolutely no preparation, they have the total mindfuck of now having another life completely…

Pretty much every baby before about 1975 was born to a woman who drank and smoked. You have to really drink a lot to affect the health of the child in any significant way. Not sure exactly what smoking does except low birth weight, but everyone used to smoke. It's not ideal, of course.

Well, all babies pre-1960's or 1970's were born with their mothers swilling beer and smoking. That alcohol/tobacco thing is pretty recent.

Mmm...ribbon candy!

I just... ya'll I dig him. But this is

I paid $4 extra my daughter's freshman year for the "basic retouching" on her pictures, because it seemed pretty worth it to avoid some last-minute pimple tragedy/meltdown. The form said it would take care of stray hairs, blemishes and other minor imperfections. So we get the pictures back and she looks like a…

Make them clean up their own piss. It's amazing how little boys (and older ones) develop a spot-on sense of aim when they're confronted with the sticky, crusty remains of their own hubris.

We had two dogs that were a brother and sister when I was 7 or so. My parents were a little late getting the brother neutered and then the sister went into heat (she had a bleeding disorder, so she could not be spayed, unfortunately). Of course, the two dogs started going at it in the middle of the living room. I…

I never got the Birds and Bees talk because I had a pop-up book. When my mom became pregnant with me, my maternal grandfather (an OB-GYN) bought my older sister a beautifully illustrated an 100% anatomically accurate pop-up book by the same people who did The Miracle of Life. It was one of my favorite bedtime books…

Having an open relationship where your kids can ask you anything, and where you talk with them about these kinds of things in terms they can handle at every age is great. Until your 13 year old dances into your bedroom, waggling his butt, and showing off his pubes. Shoot. Me.

Whatever-year-old me ftw: after being enlightened re how babies get up in there, I said: "oh. Can I watch?"

"Ow, you're on my hair."