Deadspin commenters are so desperate for the sweet nectar of puns that they don’t even care if the pun works or not.

Why would the Cubs even want Chapman? There’s no designated hitter shooter in the NL...

For my money, I’ll take Tori.

And so forth, and so on.

Black Ark All Day.

Ministry doing Dylan, well.

Yes, becasue only Chipotle makes burrito bowls. In fact, they invented burrito bowls. And Mexican food, they invented that too.

The best part is when you’re done with the bowl, you can eat it! Just kidding, it goes to the giant floating island of plastic waste in the pacific.

Here is your burrito, it comes in an edible package and perhaps a sheet of recyclable foil.

Yeah, what a muffed play that was. Whoops.

Yeah, how did that play end I wonder...

Can’t do it without Ferris either...

From the obscure vault:

100%

No.

Nah. The Cards don’t do stupid deals. They got (arguably) Lackey’s best season for the league minimum salary. Pass.

You know how many days John Freaking Lackey has been signed with the Cubs, and yet it’s definitely this other guy over here that’s obessessing about it. Ok.

“behind the 105 Randy Johnson put up when he fanned Diamondbacks in 2001"

Or. The interview process for Fox Networks.