In what world is Chris Hayes blonde?

Perhaps you are unfamiliar with a man named ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER.

Normally I would agree, but it absolutely works here in a way that employing standard capitalization rules would not.

I love the current Onion bit on him:

Carlson’s rhetorical question of how “a member of Congress who hasn’t yet turned 30—someone who’s never even raised children—[gets] the right to lecture me about morality?”

Counterpoint - no it doesn't.

Watch Desus & Mero on showtime. They are the GOATs

Except Chris Hayes did legitimately grow up and go to high school in the Bronx in the early 90s (with Desus Nice and Lin-Manuel Miranda, even), so while he might not be a fighter, he probably has some boys.

THE BRAND IS STRONG. Related, my favorite tweet of his:

You’re actually not that far off. True story: he was born in San Francisco and his mom was a hippie who abandoned him and his father to go be a bohemian in France. His father remarried a heiress of the Swanson family of the frozen dinners fame.

Some people are just shitty.  It sounds like the president’s favorite Nazi, Stephen Miller, had a normal childhood but he still managed to become the walking, talking shit-stain that he is today.  

I want to imagine that Chris Hayes actually has the physique of Chidi Anagonye and acts like Kason Siegel's character from SLC Punk.

This is like how Glenn Beck was my hometown’s morning drive DJ for the entirety of my teenage years. My brother and I would crank call his show constantly and make fun of him and then hang up, like deeply shitty, yet oddly prescient teenagers. 

“Some people are basically rotten.” - Dr. Gonzo

The “spinning around like Daffy’s beak” bit had me giggling, and that graduated into a full-on snort with the “haymaker missing and propelling him into a wall” part.  This is great.  Keep it up forever.

I think he was just a regular rich white kid who was raised with a sense of unearned entitlement and allowed to believe that he had everything he had because he somehow deserved it and not just because of blind-ass luck.  I think that’s a far more likely explanation.

The fact is that neither Chris Hayes nor Tucker Carlson would be anything less than embarrassing in a fight. However, if the fight were between the two of them, no doubt Hayes would win. Carlson would be like when Cartman acts tough and but then starts crying when the other guy finally hits him. Carlson would cry,…

That was the first thing that stood out to me as well. Hasn’t it been like decades since “Nice glasses, NERD!” was a thing?

Feminist literature is notorious for its tiny print, designed as it is for dainty female eyes. Also, smoke damage from being around too many burning bras.

My only real question is why does Carlson think feminism causes poor vision in men?