It's something I struggle with. I can understand that someone would feel rejected, unwanted, or frustrated with a sexual relationship with me. I've definitely tried those things, but usually, I sort of need alcohol anyway, and I try not to drink so much (I have middling success with this). I want to be open to…

The emotional intimacy is supposed to be a good thing. Yes, both partners can masturbate if they're in the mood, and the other person isn't. But that doesn't lead to the same emotional intimacy and connection that having sex with each other does. It's not about making your partner come, it's about saying that you want…

I think the most important point here is that "maintenance sex" isn't a strictly female phenomenon. As usual, Dan Savage is not only dead on but also gender neutralizes the subject by speaking to a same sex experience (shout out to Lindy West's SavageLove past and the unbelievable Slog post she wrote on size!).

I have like the reverse problem of the stereotypical woman: I'm the one who wants way more sex. And we've had these conversations where he'll say he wants just as much sex as me, in theory/if he was never stressed out, so it will happen on vacation, but he just gets stressed out easily. It's tough on me. I don't think…

The comments here are just as valuable as the piece itself.

I think it's important to have this conversation. What qualifies as criminally punishable rape may not always be what qualifies as something like rape that induces some kind of psychological trauma. It's important to talk to your partner, because trust me - if (s)he finds out later on that you were having sex with…

I think there is a large swath of people who read maintenance sex and take it as a completely different thing though. I am lucky enough to be educated on consent and sexual fulfilment, but I know a lot of men women who are raised to believe sex is something women just don't enjoy. That women just have to grin and bear…

I have zero problems with maintenance sex. I love ballsmcgee more than life itself, but I just don't have a very high sex drive. I think it's a combo of my SSRI + my anxiety disorder, which causes me to be very obsessive about not getting pregnant even though I have an IUD and then leads me to be quite anxious after…

I'm with Dan Savage. Common sense, really. It only turns into a big discussion when people project all kinds of crap on maintenance sex which is neither abusive nor non-consensual because that's not what we're talking about here. It's not about anyone being forced into sex. It's kinda like how you pretend to be more…

This issue could just as easily apply to a man who doesn't feel like sex and caves for his lady

Not sure if this is relevant to you or anyone else here, but Dan Savage frequently talks about the effects of a masturbatory "death grip" on non-solo sex (e.g., http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savage…). His advice might be of use.

It can be a very psychological thing more than physiological. Like once you decide you're tired - it can be nearly impossible to maintain a belief that things will all "work out". I'd suggest changing to some other positions, particularly positions that aren't as physically taxing + allow you to have a lot of…

You're the best, colormeroutine aka Coach Carr. Preach.

Or you just can't orgasm with another person.

I'm always amazed by people with careers that seem predestined by their names. Today we have the sex researcher named Fallis. Excellent.

Whomever created it really likes it from behind...

Oh, man. That picture is the best.

Thanks Vanessa! The comments are still open if people want to talk, and of course they can reach you on your site here.

This is outstanding advice.