I can only hope that my corpse gets handled by Lohan.

It's stomach churning. I didn't realise that threatening pets is a common form of abuse in relationships, but it makes sense. I can't imagine how awful this poor woman must be feeling. I know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship, I know what it's like to have a pet murdered. The combination, so so horrible.…

Not gonna lie, I'm really excited to get her back as "the girl you don't want to run into at a party." I was sad that we lost that character when she became the anchor.

Ohhh, this is my whole area. My friends and I have regular conversations about people we know shitting themselves, as we all agree it is one of the most hilarious things in the world.

Wow, thanks so fucking much for that mental image. I definitely will not have to take a shit ton of sleeping pills tonight so I pass out rather than lay awake, imagining horrible images of animal cruelty. Thanks so much.

NOTHING CAN BEAT THIS.

My isn't embarrassing as it wasn't public but it was intense.

My day started out normal. I got up went to eat breakfast when I had a sudden urge to poo. I went to the bathroom, only I couldn't poop. Normally, I am in and out but this time it isn't happen. The longer I go with out pooping the worse it was.

I'd been…

I have so many, but this is the one that really sticks with me for the all-consuming embarrassment it still causes me when I think back:

I went to school and became a vegetarian, but when I went back home to visit I had a bit of meat. For those of you not in the know... DO NOT SNEAK A VEGETARIAN MEAT. This is very cruel in more ways than one.

I went to visit a guy friend, and one thing led to another... I decided to spend the night. We hadn't fooled…

I was very, very pregnant with my first child. We went out to visit my parents, who are allegedly animal people, so we brought our two dogs (one 35 lbs, one 45 lbs). We'd brought their kennel to put them in when we went out to calm my parents' concerns (they have a lot of cats), and as we were heading out to run an…

My freshman year of college, I lived in a dorm with a shared bathroom for the whole hall. It was generally kept very clean, as the campus provided a cleaning service that was fantastic and, in retrospect, did not get enough credit for what they put up with. Anyway, one day, while in my usual stall, I noticed that…

Once I had a lady problem that required a trip to the Doctor because over the counter meds weren't cutting it. So I leave work to drive to the Gyno. I think I have to fart, but instead manage to accidentally shit myself while driving on the highway. In my panic, I also manage to drive into a construction area and hit…

I watch pretty much every true crime television show out there, read tons of true crime books (if you haven't read The Devil in the White City yet, you really should), have wanted to visit the Lizzie Bordon house for years, and have read the entirety of this encyclopedia. As I watched Snapped today, I was also struck…

I still am going to argue that a better idea would be to adapt the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter book series for TV, like Showtime or the Max. That would blow most anything away. Think of everything that series has. (Spoilers abound):

DUDE. SO MANY THINGS IN BUTTS IN THIS BOOK. Incendently, i read this on a trans-atlantic flight in the mid ninetys. Masturbated in the loo. Mile-high club, party of one!

Also in the trilogy: a scene where a male slave gets a purse full of coins shoved up his ass.

Nah, see, you need the amulet with the names of the archangels to hang over his crib to ward off Lilith, the eater of children.