It’s the eye of the martyr
It’s the thrill of the Right
Rising up to the challenge of our (Supreme Court) trial
And the last known dissenter
Thinks Jesus supports her plight
And she’s watching us all with the eyeeeeeeeeeee ... of the martyr

WHY IS THIS A THING?

Totally. Most of my friends have a homebirth (usually for subsequent births). My midwife has done tons. She only had to go to the hospital once, and that was for a cord prolapse that would have happened either way because the woman wouldn’t have been at the hospital yet. And everything was fine because she’d trained…

“Do I drop mucus and nastiness in YOUR house? DO I!!!????”

Word. I’m one of those evil, selfish dummies who had a homebirth. And I also did more research on birth than any other person I know, including meeting with TWO Doctors and two midwives before making my decision. My midwife has delivered over 500 babies and has never lost one. A low-intervention option is available…

Maybe a dolphin ophthalmologist can help with those stuck eyeballs.

Gonna go out on a limb here and say that if ANY of that stuff happens as a result of your dolphin assisted birth, it wasn’t a dolphin, it was a wizard disguised as a dolphin.

“research sufficient for us”

So, let me get this straight...

Does it mean they’re born at six months old? At at one month old have the head-holding-up and rolling over ability of a seven month old?

Babies born with the dolphins “develop 6 months faster in the first six months, have PERHAPS 150 more grams of brain weight and are ambidextrous”.

Watching that video makes dolphin “assisted” birthing look kind of nifty. I’m confused about the “assisted” part though. How exactly did the dolphin assist? Did “call” the baby from the womb with it’s high-pitched squeaking? I feel like “Dolphin Observed Birthing” would be a better descriptor.

Confession: I think my eyes are stuck from rolling them back in my head when she dropped the flower in the water. Also, I kept waiting for the dolphin to rip the baby out of her arms and throw it around. Because it’s a wild animal.

Giving birth was horrifying enough I don’t need a dolphin looking in my vagina. Christ I told my husband not to look because he would never put his face there again. Then he elbowed the nurse in the head and knocked her out. Giving birth is a real shit show.

Excuse you, I’ll have Flipper attend the birth of my future spawn if I damn well please and I will name said spawn Specialus Snowflakus, the Dolphin-born.

I’m a freaking hippie. I’m a home birthing, long term breast feeding, make my own organic baby food, hemp cloth diapering hippie..... And you know what all I want to ask this latest “I’m gonna birth in the ocean with dolphins” couple is “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS????!!!!!!!”

Ew. Just...Ew.

Best headline ever. But - in the interest of dolphinization - what if my midwife is an anthropomorphic dolphin who speaks English in a high-pitched squeak and walks upright on its tail and wears, like, a sexy nurse uniform? That’s still safe, right?

Seems legit.