negative 50 points for writing about Lenny Kravitz and not shoehorn-ing in a reference to the time that his dick blasted out of his pants.

THIS IS IT! THIS IS COVFEFE!

You got to. As the baker, raw batter is my right and my motivation.

Dear Offset and every other guy who either dumped a woman or mistreated a woman enough to run her off,

Animals! Here’s my sweet baby.

I’d much rather watch Jonah Hill than Justin Timberlake

For instance, Brown said, if you’re at a movie theater, and the couple in front of you are chatting loudly, tap them gently on the shoulder and tell them, “I’m so sorry, I’m having a really hard time hearing the movie.”

“I went home to my dad and wept for an hour because I just figured my part was bigger. They didn’t even cut anything. I just figured—I don’t know what I figured”

Or blow away in a stiff breeze, like a cross between a sailing spider and the flying nun.

So not technically an apartment, but now-Mr. BallOfStress and I, along with my male bff and a random guy from out school we met off of Craigslist (back in the day)...It was a truly great house, in a sketchy neighborhood, but the price was right. We ignored the fact that the landlord was obviously a few cards short of…

It was my and my husband’s first apartment. We were broke, so all we could afford was a dubious first floor in-law that was at least close to the park and beach (as much as you can use the beach in San Francisco). Anyway, we nicknamed this apartment “the cave” because the only windows it had either looked into an…

I lived in a what appeared to be a nice looking apartment in a complex at the top of a steep hill in Flagstaff, Arizona.

Can’t believe Megan and Shia laBoofed.

For real, you don’t end up at Oral fucking Roberts and become a “missionary” on your own.

This is a good take. I feel very, very angry privately about John Chau but also, those folks on Twitter saying “good riddance” are hideous.

The mom is definitely a religious nut, too. Against all evidence, she said she believes he could still be alive because she prays.

I don’t feel bad for his family. They’re probably the ones that brainwashed him and made him think this was ok in the first place. This is the logical conclusion.

Here is a thing I wrote yesterday about this very article:

I was in pretty desperate straits at the time—it was a pretty hail mary kind of “talk.” Love him and remember some shit too. That’s how it is.

I had a conversation with my dad a few years ago where I tried to explain that him throwing stuff when I was kid but “missing on purpose” was not the exculpatory reasoning he thought it was.