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He then picked up the ball, ran up and down the length of the fairway twelve times evading everyone in the gallery, and then spiked the ball in the cup, for six.

that was a similar punctuation-based joke from a popular animated television series

Correction: I give all the shit. That’s the only reason why I do this.

“No tiger? Dumbass!” was also how my adapted screenplay of The Life of Pi got rejected.

It will also work if your name is Dr. West Friendship.

come heavy or dont come at all

There once was a burner named Joe
Who was some guy that I didn’t know
His attempted criticism
Of my quick-written witticism
Really made him come across as an asshole to anyone with a modicum of common sense and decency

There once was a lifter named Tom
Who went at his task with aplomb
Took the bar off its pegs
And exploded his legs
And I still don’t give a shit about weightlifting

As it’s customary in golf to report your own infractions, the creator of this slide show has already taken a multi-stroke penalty.

The surprise move deprived Cubs fans of the opportunity to both have their legs pissed on and be told it’s raining.

+1

Moron. +1

“Plus I caught a really big fish one time.”

With scoops like that, you’ll be a beat writer in no time.

Yeah, but to be fair, all of those fans cut him off in traffic on the way to the game.

Fuck off, Mrs. Evans the English teacher.

In the last hour, his eye has been pulled over by Boston cops three times already.

Slow 2013 Marathon Runner #1: "Hey, I hope that Mark Wahlberg never has reason to make a movie about this race."
Slow 2013 Marathon Runner #2: "What the fuck? That's a really fucking strange and random thing to say!"
Both Slow 2013 Marathon Runners: [approach finish line]
Slow 2013 Marathon Runner #1: "I just get the…

I’d like to thank everyone who earnestly responded to your comment debating the relative merits of communism and capitalism. They are good and smart people.