Uhh. No. Marla didn’t “get her ass knocked up.” Trump knocked her up. Women don’t “get themselves pregnant.” Some tool who refused to wear a condom did.

Tiffany,

What? Is that weird?

My family’s from the impenetrable countrysides of China (to this day my Father still cannot point out exactly where he’s from on a map, it’s so remote). So I’ve shat in a lot of open air latrines, it’s a lot of two meter deep pits where you are squatting on two planks of not all that steady wood (another choice is…

*HOOOOORK*

In a KFC bathroom, at around 8 or 9 in the evening circa 1992, I entered a men’s room out of sheer bladder desperation because the women’s room was out of order. I opened the door and after recovering from the stench that flew out of the newly cracked door like sins from Pandora’s Box, I saw the the phrase “Why?” and…

I went on a date once, and I was invited by the woman back to this incredible loft where she was dog-sitting for out-of-town friends.

Anytime someone is talking on the phone when I’m in a restroom, I flush. I think it’s only polite to the person on the other end of the call to let them know.

Working maintenance for state parks, I saw some shit (literally.) One time, a toilet was clogged so bad that we had to call in a plumber, who couldn’t come until the next AM. We covered the toilet with cardboard, taped it down, locked the door of the stall from the inside, then climbed over the door and put a large…

Went to the bathroom during intermission of Our Town at the Barrow Street Theatre some years back. Had to pee, looked down, and... the previous occupant—I didn’t see him, but certainly wish I had—hadn’t flushed the toilet. Ugh, except what was actually in the toilet was the size of a weightlifter’s thigh. It was one…

few things are more embarrassing than when i bring out the slide projector to show friends our family’s trip to yellowstone and i accidentally put in the carousel thats just me and missus in the back of the ford country squire wagon necking and heavy petting.

I just laughed out loud. I once was out at my friends pool reading a magazine and went to show her something. So I sat up and said “hey so-and-so, look at this!” Top proceeds to pop off.

Not me, exactly but the two women walking toward me in a sporting good store. That was the moment when the zipper on my sport bra gave up the game completely and unzipped so fast I could not even react. Both sides of this stupid bra pop out of the sides of my summer dress like weird ass wings and oh boy, did I wish I…

The problem is that it’s fucked up to tell people but it’s also impossible to keep something like that to yourself.

My wife has an extensive dildo collection. When we first started dating (early 20s) she would wash them in the kitchen and just keep them in the drying rack. I said “you know, why don’t you dry them in the tub behind the curtain or something”. She said “cause nobody visits my apartment but you”. Fast forward a few…

There are two kinds of people in the world...

One time I got this series of texts from my dad:

I couldn’t figure out why a mustache was so upsetting... you mean porn stash! :)

Once, while visiting an elderly neighbor, she asked me to get her reading glasses from the middle desk drawer. They were there, alongside a clear quart-sized ziploc bag filled (FULLY FILLED) with teeth.