“I have no problem not listening to The Temptations... which is weird.” - Mitch Hedberg

Wow. And to think I’ve erroneously called it ‘Cleveland’ for years.

Diner: “Can I have the double bacon cheeseburger, fries, beer and the injured player walk-through special please.”

Waiter: “Would you like the special teams player injury or can I interest you in upgrading to a starter?”

And I would walk five hundred miles,

So which QB is Bruce Willis?

The Carolina staff did too follow the protocol. Here’s a transcript of the discussion the doctors had with Cam Newton on the sideline.

if the Daily Show has taught me anything it’s that replacing a middle-aged man with someone named Trevor is going to be a disaster.

“I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans. Maybe they’re just as good, and we’re just wasting time.” - Mitch Hedberg

The NFL? Disingenuous?! HOW DARE YOU!

[scribble notes furiously]

That sound you heard was Drew Magary spiraling down a vortex of sorrow.

The Chargers finally got Bosa...

Conservatives on big government: “I made this money with my own hard work, I didn’t need the government’s help.”

Nailed it.

Well, at least it’s realistic. If you zoom in, you can see that the upper deck seats are empty and everybody outside is walking away from the stadium.

U.S. Soccer is a bunch of hypocrites considering Tim Howard has been blurting out inappropriate things his entire career.

“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here!” - Mitch Hedberg

“I think Pringles original intention was to produce tennis balls. But the day the rubber was supposed to arrive, a truck full of potatoes came instead. But Pringles is a laid back company. So they said, ‘F**k it. Cut ‘em up!’” - Mitch Hedberg

Yikes. Good thing these preseason injuries don’t count!