The bicycle sprint approach works best on public transport, ironically.

It gets worse. Both my grandfathers had full heads of black hair when they died, so it's likely I'll stay this way. Of course, they did both die - so there's that.

Never type "pasty" to an Englishman.

I have one patch (about a half-inch square) where the hair seems to grow in all directions at once. It's impossible to shave without drawing blood.

My first thought was "Father" by LL Cool J. That song helped me explain my hatred for my own step-father to my now-wife (no shooting, but then we do have tighter gun-control laws).

Too true. My sister is one of those types - she'll be fine at a family function, then send a text message two minutes after I've left to tell me how much she hates my wife.

You don't. Your drink never gets put down.

Or two, at least.

She's a springer spaniel. Those little bastards have a great sense of smell.

I have very sensitive skin, so shaving irritates me hugely. But I find my beard even more irritating.
Mainly because I'm a young-looking 39-years-old with a full head of thick black hair but my beard is mostly grey. Gah!

Or maybe consider drinking less?

Maaybe he thought your phone had some charge, and wanted to avoid confrontation whilst getting you the message "live"? Just putting it out there. As it were.

There's always Scotch.

Their trousers were very… tight.

I'd rather be a hammer than a nail.

Good thanks - life is starting to make sense again.
All well with you?

Dammit - beaten to the punch…

"But unless you’ve taken shits that have jumped out of the toilet and jammed themselves back into your ass, and then proceeded to pound away at you for 20 minutes, you really don’t know what it’s like to get buttfucked."

Is there some kind of "accessory" charge in the US for this? I'm uncertain of the rules in my own country, so wouldn't want to get involved.

I used to get calls for a local bank - one old chap even left every detail that I would need to drain his accounts on my answer service. So I no longer have a mortgage.