I've read your reply three times now, and I've determined that it makes absolutely no sense. You must be a Giants fan.

Fucking Philly. Hey genius, the second part of an "if, then" sentence is supposed to be something that follows as a consequence of the first part. If the second clause is definitely going to happen, then saying "if blah blah blah" doesn't make any sense.

Ha! Great joke brah! Next you can make a completely unoriginal sophomoric jab at her gender!

Drew - If I have to wait any longer for the Eagles one, I'm going to throw batteries at you and then drunkenly vomit on you.

Malaysia Air Bucket List:

Apparently she was under the impression that the bag contained delicious Ho Hos.

Lacky: "Welker popped Molly"

I wasn't online much this weekend, so I totally missed it. Oops.

On Sunday it took more work to NOT see the JLaw pics than it did to see them.

100% of the porn that I consumed as an adolescent consisted of magazines found in the woods and on the local railroad tracks. Back then I guess there were a lot of hobos looking at porn in the woods or something? Where else is a hobo going to jack it without getting arrested?

You know, my friends and I found a bunch of soggy Playboys in the woods when we were, like, 10. Who leaves Playboys out in the woods? Are people still doing this kind of thing? Or has the silent and vital passing of printed pornography been killed by the Internet?

NFL fans are fans of gambling. It is the #1 reason for the NFL's success. You can bet on baseball but it's not for the novice gambler.

I had no idea you were married to Drew Magary.

"Additionally, we're going to take away the 2015 2nd and 4th round draft picks of the New England Patriots just to be safe, and also suspend Michael Vick for the season because he probably did something bad. Also, everyone reading this letter is fined $40,000."