They were hacked after taking Ambien and it was all taken out of context. This is not who they are. They are so upset they can't even enjoy steak anymore and offer thoughts and prayers to those that were offended

• DO eat the stuff no one else wants: Make a big plate of the third-tier macaroni, the store-bought pound cake, the bloody fried chicken and your cousin’s white girlfriend’s pumpkin pie (yes, pumpkin pie is trash). Walk around and let everyone see you eating it, especially the people who brought that bullshit to the…

Funyuns are what somebody who has never tasted an onion thinks an onion tastes like.

Or not.

On a scale of one to Funyuns, just how stoned are you writers?

*Hork!*

With that Joseph Goebbles wanna be Sean Hannity in his ear 24/7 screaming about Hillary wanting to sell uranium to Benghazi over e-mail, no shit he wanted to prosecute her. 

In this updated version of the parable, both scorpion and frog continue to make out like bandits, meanwhile the river itself dies of fetid pollution.

What would happen if a gay veteran wanted free Chick Fil-A? Would they be so torn between the paradoxical desires to shun him for all eternity and shower him praise that the local franchise would collapse, House of Usher-style?

I can’t help but think of all of the journalists and broadcasters that were drummed off the air for not supporting the obviously illegal and ginned up invasion of Iraq. Where is their payoff?

For Christ’s sake - do they not understand that they can spend $25M fighting her in court and still come out ahead? Say that she underperformed so badly that she’s in breech of her contract and terminate it with no payout.

My dad's a 92-year-old WWII vet. Can confirm.

“In fact, shouldn’t this practice be widespread?”

As she should.

Add large gauge tapioca or that round pasta and you’ve got Frog Eye Salad.

You know, I like squash. I like Ritz crackers, but that casserole was an abomination unto the Lord.

I knew I should have picked up the stuff to make grandma’s “fruit salad”: canned pineapple and canned mandarin oranges mixed with shredded coconut, sour cream, and colored mini marshmallows.

When my mother learned the recipe, It was called “Watergate salad” because its “fruits and nuts with a bunch of cover up”

This is one of those things that, when you have unexpected company show up at dinner time, you apologize for and make sure to offer plenty of buttered bread to fill up the people who didn’t love your grandmother.

In most (all?) municipalities, lawyers, physicians, priests, police officers, and others are legally obligated to report people who intend to harm themselves too.