You should probably stay away from the comedy if you're going to take it that literally. 

“Is Aquino Filipino? Cause he’s in the Cor-a-Zone!!”

As much as I want Jacoby to succeed ( former Patriots QB, after all ), seeing those tweets has made me believe that Indiana has already ruined him, and by the end of the season he’ll be the league’s first QB with Alzheimer’s. 

I am so sorry you are going through this. I just lost my mother to Alzheimer’s and it is a hell of a thing. It is a harsh and infuriating disease and it robs you of your loved ones in a maddeningly gradual and then frighteningly accelerated way. My mother went from not remembering how to play certain card games, to…

Did this sound good in your head? 

i’m torn. it is catchy, but it’s clearly meant to riff on “el clasico.” however, a clasico/classique/etc. is between two clubs from different cities, whereas a derby/derbi/etc. is between two teams from the same city. so technically they should have riffed on the latter. however, i think i’m going to have to allow it.…

First can we talk about how brilliant of a name El Tráfico is for this rivalry?

I’m sure “plenty good enough” is exactly how the MLS would prefer to be described

“Nothing wrong with that dicking!”

Izzo, whose son’s middle name is Mateen, told the Free Press that Cleaves “is part of the family.”

they also agreed pitchers on the white uniformed teams had to wear black hats so as to not have the possibility of hiding the ball in their motion. just a rousing success all around.

Our thoughts are with their friends and family

Man. He got hit in the head so repetitively his son went crazy.

Yes, and as we all know, every week of the season, CFL squads lose half their rosters to IR due to those damnable goalposts - or, as the locals call them, “the widowmakers.”

Artie Lange once ran a 100 yard dash in an 80 yard gym.

Does this mean the Cubs are gonna sign him in the offseason?

Imagine hating the Yankees so much you know how many times they have made the playoffs in the past 25 years.

what the fuck does this have to do with Demarcus Cousins?

The most damning thing I can think of about the Titans is that, on any Sporcle quiz in which you need to identify NFL teams, the Titans are always the least-guessed.

I hope they lose in the World Series the next two years. I want there to be a baseball version of the 1990s Buffalo Bills.