"The Tigers are playing.... TO-NIGHT! I never miss a game."

Then he should have to pay the league mandated fine. The fine should not be escalating, which is the author's point.

All the people that are like "it's part of his job and contract blah blah blah I'm a fucking shitstain" need to fuck right off. Who fucking cares? Do you really need to hear generic, canned responses to generic, canned questions from another player? Are the platitudes and cliches spouted off daily by NFL players…

The NFL would aggressively fine Helen Keller.

Serious question: If the league allows players with (e.g.) ADHD to get exemptions to use drugs like Adderall that might otherwise be banned, why can't they have a process for allowing people like Lynch - who, if the armchair shrinks are right, may have a diagnosable social-anxiety-type disorder - to have an exemption…

The parody element of this joke has not succeeded.

You know he did commit a traffic violation. To avoid looking like a criminal, DON'T COMMIT A CRIME. Not only that, but he does look bulky, intimidating and old for his age. How are cops supposed to react? Look at the way he fuckin' dresses usually, his god damn shirt is off. It's in the heat of the moment and if they…

We took over England in the Revolutionary War, dummy.

Ugghhh. I guess the FA never heard of the First Amendment!

If you think this is about shining the light on himself, as opposed to illuminating the farce, that's some weak-ass bullshit.

I would have paid him like $20 bucks for his vote. Sucker.

What's preventing the major Federations from breaking from FIFA and creating their own, slightly less corrupt international tournament and basically mirroring FIFA?

If the Queen of England asks a Canadian to bow, they bow. If the Queen of England asks an American to bow, we spit in her face. We've already won.

As a Canadian I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while. We as Canadians, believe we are superior human beings. We think you're all lazy, out of shape bigots. We believe that because we apologize a lot we are somehow inherently better than y'all. What's really funny is how similar we are. We shove it…

You're clearly the smartest person in the room and obviously qualified to make judgements of intelligence based on four lines written in a Deadspin comments section. You are welcome to your own taste in things, but it is important that you understand how insignificant your opinions and your life are. Keep fighting…

Yes, how silly of the American networks to show American athletes. I don't care how well they perform in the games, they are still olympians and deserve a little coverage. I have never heard American announcers cry and scream when an American gets on the pedestal. Act like you've been there before...oh wait.

Let's not overlook the really shocking thing here: Texas Tech men's basketball has a "superfan." That's like some Old Testament God shit.

BREAKING: Pearl clutching at dangerously high levels in Lubbock tonight, citizen reactions at 11.

This Tech fan was also involved with an incident against Texas A&M a couple years ago. http://t.co/U1UUyE8mxb

I....what? I live in Europe. I travel all over Europe. I've never stayed anywhere that lacked a shower curtain. Which Europe are you referring to?