Awesome 80s hair video

“What does ‘excessive’ mean?” said Mr. Leider, the compensation consultant who advises companies on pay packages.

I spent the day at a first-time homebuyers workshop today. Came out with the depressing realization that I can’t afford to live here. A really crappy, tiny house in poor condition is $350,000. I already knew that part, but I thought I might qualify for some 1st time buyer program, but I make too much money (yay. Just…

Huh. It almost looks like those aren’t real.

Are those Courtney Stodden’s watermelons?

exactly!

In all my time as an usher, that was the first and last time it happened to me. I’m kind of glad to have never met Bill Cosby’s eye...

Fuck Madeline Albright. Maybe some people will forget 500,000 dead kids being worth it, but not me.

Not really an encounter. More like a lack of encounter. I ushered at a theater where Bill Cosby was performing and my job was guarding the backstage door. Before Mr. Cosby entered, we were informed by a nervous staffer that in no circumstances were we to try to meet his eye. Apparently exchanging glances with His…

Stop being so #cranky #bonehead. #Blessed is always funny.

I have been #blessed enough to see her do improv, and she’s one of the smartest, funniest, quickest people out there. I would NOT want to get into a verbal sparring match with her.

I had cousins who married. My family is huge and they didn’t even realize they were related. They were above child-bearing years, met and fell in love. No harm, no foul, really.

How does a guy who looks like the scarecrow from Wizard of Oz get a pretty 17-year-old to bone him? Weird-looking middle-aged guys of the world want to know.

That water better contain a hefty dose of Klonopin at that price.

My luggage always has at least half a dozen KIND bars and some of those little Starbucks Via coffee things. That way I know I have something to eat and can avoid the room swill coffee.

My work has recently instituted a $60 per day meal allowance. They usually put us up at expensive downtown hotels. It’s practically impossible to eat on $60 per day in that situation, because you don’t have time to go anywhere BUT the hotel for food, and you end up paying $30 for a burger, fries and drink.

I guess it goes without saying that I would have someone to change them for me, because I’d be too busy counting my monies.

Fresh sheets every day. And a driver. God, I would love a driver.

One kind of refreshing thing in Mexico was when people would just laugh so merrily when I said I needed clothing in “gordita” size. It was like “Of course! You’re fat!” without any sense of judgment or shame.