[smashes Not "That" Dr. Phil in the teeth with butt of Kalashnikov for impugning Kazakhstan and the glorious regime of President Nursultan Nazarbayev]

Today Show editorial standards clearly state johnson, chonson, or purple headed warrior are the only acceptable words for penis that may be used on the show.

Yeah, fuck this interview because I too felt a few momentary seconds of pity for the poor guy. Also, it is just me or does he appear to be wearing some sort of prosthetic on his nose to make it appear larger?

Given the amount of seismological activity in Southern California, I'm pretty sure this will all end with a newswire about Depp being entombed alive in his underground mole kingdom.

The mock-up cover of Prince on Prince really should of been of an orgy populated by no one other than dozens of copies of Prince.

Well you have to longingly appreciate a time in film production when you could focus on making a single movie and not simultaneously be plotting out the profit structure and release dates of theoretical sequels before a single shot is ever filmed.

Considering that the vast majority of Republican elected officials in the US either obliquely or forthrightly state that god himself put them in office, I don't think they would give a flying fuck about the democratic legitimacy of their office.

There's a massive, baroque statue of Pennypacker on the Ben Franklin Parkway in Philadelphia. It's so ostentatious even Alexander the Great would have thought it a little too aggrandizing.

Stouffer's French bread meat supreme pizza is by far the best frozen pizza, when you microwave it to defrost it and then put it in the toaster oven to crisp. It's probably also better than 95% of the pizza you can get from a shop which in general seems to range on the high end of "I paid for it and and am too lazy get…

Speaking of which it would have been nice for the article to let us know who this Slate person is.

They refer to the brown and black geese as Canadian so no one knows they're being racist.

Hey I'm sure her condo has a hair dryer and bathtub, no one's forcing her to stick around.

I also recall from one episode of Highlander: the Series that you can kill Immortals with it.

Thankfully the original intent of the drafters has been discovered, and despite the fact that the drafters had radically divergent political views and in many cases deathly hated each other, it turns out they all intended the exact same thing which coincidentally matches up precisely to the last 40 years of GOP…

You can just imagine alien explorers coming to our lifeless planet in a thousand years after picking up the never ending stream of conservative bot tweets still being sent out long after the last person has died.

I went into some boutique store in Montreal years ago with a friend and the clerk came up to me and told me they were having a sale of buy 2 get one half off on t-shirts. I looked at one shirt marked at $200 dollars, laughed at the clerk, and walked out.

For some reason I was looking up why Cletus is a hick name the other week and was surprised to learn it's actually an Ancient Greek name of several of Alexander the Greats officers and generals.

When I worked in Japan "Have you tried natto?" was one of the questions I was asked most frequently, along with "Do you play basketball?" and "When are you going back to your own country?"

Perfect comment/avatar synergy.

The British Heinz beans are fucking fantastic, it makes all the US brands seem unpalatably sweet. The Heinz beans are especially great on toast with melted cheese as an after drinking snack.