I'm drunk right now and agree!

@thescarletheaders in Denver are killing it lately. Sad I moved from town after they stared up.

I was fired on Friday. Some toxic environment so I’m happy but my ego is bruised. I have been interviewing with a company and my final interview was already scheduled before I was fired so I’m looking forward to taking his unemployment until I start my next gig.

Hahahahaha. That is so good!

I was fired from my job yesterday. Yay!

Thank you for the honor.

Never joke about funny tattoos you would never really get to friends who are tattoo artists because you might end up getting a 30 Rock tattoo. Or do joke about it. Whatever, I love my weird caricature Jack Donaghy.

I get it, I have a ridiculous Alec Baldwin tattoo on my thigh. Thigh tattoos are made for this!

I really hate to ask or bother but I was once a winner in one of the pissing contests and I have a doctor’s note to get me out of BJ’s, does that qualify me to not be grey anymore?

I “met” a doctor on Tinder a couple years ago and through messaging he gave me a doctors note to get out of giving blow jobs because of my amazing gag reflex abilities.

I’m from Texas and Colorado....Texas is not the south but I’m ok calling Colorado the west.

I’m trying to get my boyfriend to buy it for me right now. Does he love me enough to do this one small romantic gesture.....we shall see!

I almost broke Ashley Simpson’s new nose back when that nose and that couple were a thing. Pete laughed until he got the “look” from her, then tried to act angry towards me but his eyes were totally saying “So close! Try again!”

My boss and job requires that I take low dosage sleeping pills in order to pull through the day without a panic attack, and that I wear a bra all day. I have a job interview for a work from home position on Thursday.

I am allergic to the whooping cough vaccine, so guess what world, if you’re not vaccinated for it when you could be then you’ve put me at risk for getting it.

Great, what will all the bro fucky’s order at breweries now?

I have an IUD and am not on any kind of cycle at the moment, but have been using Clue, and it seems like it's starting to figure me out a bit. The longer I use it and enter in when I have a period, the closer it's been at predicting if and when I will have one.

I live down the street from Hull St, I feel lame bc I would have totally walked right by these without a thought.

Pertussis vaccine is the only drug im allergic to. I’ve had whooping cough a couple times and it’s gnarly. People: please get the vaccine if you can!! Mostly so I don't contract it again.

You are speaking my love language.