This is why “surprise! this pig roast and open bar is actually a wedding reception, please continue to play volley ball” is the way to go.

What if he's using voice to text?

Knowing the answer to who's a good doggo is basically solving for x where x is a good doggo. 

Watery tarts handing out swords doesn't seem so bad now does it?

I’d like to know if we’re deconstructing the football fan, the sports writer, or the State of Florida before I continue. 

Ok, I now love her even more. How is that possible?

I came here to say that you should probably tell him that that is America's ass, not hey cap. Was not disappointed.

Don't forget bear baiting, elephant enslavement, and fox hunting

Saving it for a trade to the Chargers?

You absolute monster. +1

The real question is why not just be really into Prince instead? 

Becky with the good hair, probably.

Full of ghosts and it's in Michigan.

Dont read the replies to those two tweets I thought. Wait fingers, why are you scrolling... Ah no our eyes are reporting fucking stupid mouth breathers with racist ass takes.... Abort abort abort!

I have terrible news for you about Ender's Game

I have some shocking news for you in that regard

We're all clear that Drew's second wish is for the farting thing, right?

I've been to tall to fit in a miata since the age of 12. But thanks for bringing back all the sadness of that Chicago car show

Didn't they kill peach production with anti immigration legislation two years ago? Or. I thinking of Alabama?

Lovely, I saw Captain Marvel like this in a place with beer and burgers, and it was so deliciously calming to not GAF at a movie.