I don't have a baby. Can I throw cheese at a strangers baby?

I stopped going. Alfred gets wasted and tries to pinch my batnipples.

“She shoots out a stream of candy-colored goo from a heart-shaped hole in her bottom.”

Hey, one joke per post. The fuck. Some of us are trying to eat.

“We in America are misinformed,” he said. “Reality shows have warped our idea of what a hero is, or what the truth is.”

I can’t wait until Timothee hits the Glitter Pussy Bow Blouse phase:

My cookout potato salad does basically the same thing, but the shredder is the colon, and does it get me fame and adulation? No! It only gets me forwarded ambulance and ER bills from friends and relatives.

Donald Trump Jr looks like the villain in a movie where the hero is a Golden Retriever 

Yeah, her movies never do well at the box office, with the minor exception of almost everything she’s starred in so far.

“Today I put my hand on a Bible. I wasn’t under oath when I wrote that book”. Queen.

Can we get a new series, Ask the Rude Negro? Dropping that word count really saves me some time in the mornings.

Is it okay if I’m out with a group but don’t want to order anything? 

The Baby Boomers always have been the real problem here.

Yeah! As a millennial, I am looking forward to blaming the REAL youth for the problems.

And let’s not forget the national travesty of the time Obama wore a beige suit!!! How did we ever survive the horror of his presidency?

Obama: ordered the wrong kind of mustard that one time, amoral abomination.

Still disagree that splitting entrees is tacky (if it is, it’s a very puny amount tacky), but totally agree that ordering off the kids menu can be considered tacky

except what happens when i get so drunk off of jane walker that i end up using my boyfriend’s razor?!?!?!!?!?!?!??!

Is there some sort of hot pink cigar I can smoke with this ladyscotch? Preferably one that won’t make my hands/face/hair smell like ass for three days, but really it’s the hot pink that is important to me as a female consumer.