I don't have a baby. Can I throw cheese at a strangers baby?

I stopped going. Alfred gets wasted and tries to pinch my batnipples.

“She shoots out a stream of candy-colored goo from a heart-shaped hole in her bottom.”

Hey, one joke per post. The fuck. Some of us are trying to eat.

“We in America are misinformed,” he said. “Reality shows have warped our idea of what a hero is, or what the truth is.”

I can’t wait until Timothee hits the Glitter Pussy Bow Blouse phase:

My cookout potato salad does basically the same thing, but the shredder is the colon, and does it get me fame and adulation? No! It only gets me forwarded ambulance and ER bills from friends and relatives.

Yeah, her movies never do well at the box office, with the minor exception of almost everything she’s starred in so far.

“Today I put my hand on a Bible. I wasn’t under oath when I wrote that book”. Queen.

Can we get a new series, Ask the Rude Negro? Dropping that word count really saves me some time in the mornings.

Is it okay if I’m out with a group but don’t want to order anything? 

And let’s not forget the national travesty of the time Obama wore a beige suit!!! How did we ever survive the horror of his presidency?

Obama: ordered the wrong kind of mustard that one time, amoral abomination.

Still disagree that splitting entrees is tacky (if it is, it’s a very puny amount tacky), but totally agree that ordering off the kids menu can be considered tacky

except what happens when i get so drunk off of jane walker that i end up using my boyfriend’s razor?!?!?!!?!?!?!??!

Is there some sort of hot pink cigar I can smoke with this ladyscotch? Preferably one that won’t make my hands/face/hair smell like ass for three days, but really it’s the hot pink that is important to me as a female consumer.

this will go down smoothly with my lady doritos.

‘make me feel’ = one part early gaga, two parts prince, and ten parts goddamned sorcery

My boys, baby and I skipped school today and saw the first showing at 10am. Theater was packed. My heart soared several times because, finally, I was watching a movie, not about pimps, hoes, slavery or drugs, but one were my 5 year olds cheered for heroes and booed villians that looked just like them. They saw a woman…