Friends, my hips have become two bags of sand and I cannot urge the ball into the zone with the velocity of my dreams and the thoughtfulness of my ancestors. I have consulted the priests and they all tell me, yes, Tim, you have ghosts in your bones and your gyrations have angered them. They tell me my haunted bones…

15. “Did you consult the loon?”

Tiger’s inner monologue:

Go to the pan store and purchase an iron pan. Sew all of your clothes together into a vast, rumpled “rug” and approximate the central axis of your home using a protractor. Set the rug on the axis and never let the pan get cooler than 400 degrees by imprisoning it in the oven forever. Done. Now you’re nestin’.

Speaking of rugs, if you have wooden floors, an area rug will make your place a little cozier.

and said his client is now volunteering at a shelter for battered women.

You can tell this lawyer is a stand-up guy. He says his client makes no excuses, and then he doesn’t thereafter discuss anything that could be considered an excuse, such as the victim striking first, or the victim using a racial slur, or the incident occurring in a bar.

This reminds me of the time Hope Solo found my phone and then beat the shit out of me when I wouldn’t give her a reward.

We shall scoop this dilapidated franchise from the womb of Wisconsin and place it on the doughy chest of South Dakota, where the true hoops fans clamor for a basket team. We shall name them the Sioux Falls Gunsacks and they will obliterate your heart with their cannons and their apocalyptic dunks. Fear the Gunsacks…

Oh, ever get up and start walking out and be judged by the people who stay in their seats for the credits.

You know what they say about Deadspin comments...

With hands like that, it’s no wonder he can thunderdunk the biscuit a full six fences away from the goal. You just pepper the dance floor and he’ll clean the jar, no doubt. This kid hasn’t even left the refrigerator, you just wait. If Minnesota doesn’t rattle the bell, I’m sure LA will be zipping up the bean bags. And…

You’ve posted this twice.

Chad Curtis had the previous baseball record, having eaten 15 on five occasions.

I express many thanks for awarding of American Cup of Hockey Award and am blessed for being straddled by the thighs of Chicago. Beneath the cheese I will glaze the ham, as was the old way.

The Atlanta Hawks, sopping with shame, will be forced to wear shame uniforms for the full duration of the next hooping season. The neon chartreuse coloring represents unfulfilled dreams. The triangle pattern represents the soft gumming chew of anxiety’s wet mouth. The refreshed brand logo is a nod to stellar regular…

The flag issue is happening now because it's the easiest thing to do, short of nothing. But I think it's as much as (if not more so) about avoiding the gun issue as avoiding the race issue.

the debate was had. you lost. by a score of roughly Sherman’s March to the Atlantic to nil. your flag commemorates hatred, treason, and the deaths of hundreds of thousands of americans in the name of preserving white supremacy. Dylann Roof waved it knowing that you and the entirety of South Carolina stood behind him…