You're not. I had a large first boyfriend, and it f'in HURT. Didn't help he was like a freakin' moose in rutting season. He was the perfect example of the "men are like microwaves women are like slow cookers" analogy. It sucked.

Whelp...her hair is super cool!

These guys might have small penises but they've got a huge set of balls!

Know what bugs me about "American Girl"? The title. Songwriters, please stop naming songs you write and hope to be hits the same as other songs that were hits.

I feel like that 7-11 scene in the beginning is a pretty obvious rip-off/homage to a similar scene in Aerosmith's video for "Crazy," which makes me nostalgic for my youth in a way that Bonnie McKee never could!

Nope, this is an "American Girl." And a real singer/songwriter.

Every time I see a picture of Tish Cyrus

people have been saying SNL is over and it's terrible now compared to the "old days" for literally decades. It has had its ups and downs the entire time it's been on the air.

Dude, I wish I could borrow Michael Pitt.

I noticed that you left off Jaedan.

I feel rich when I can afford to fill up my gas tank!

Humans love chocolate. Some humans are women. Thus women love chocolate.

Insert obligatory child saying funny things story here:

Well, I took PEDs. I almost got caught but found a way out of it, because they UPS'd my urine sample. I'm innocent and the truth is freeing! Except they found out my doctors, got evidence. I'm sorry. But the team is having a crappy year and I'm injured. So you think that it is still okay, but I lost my $3.4…

Baby fingers, look at those baby fingers! There is nothing cuter than their tiny hands and feet!!!!!

For some reason, Vitamin Water Zero tastes way better than the regular stuff. I don't know why. I hate the regular Vitamin Water but I like the Zero Glow flavor. Also, I hate when people call it vita water. Is it really that hard to utter out another syllable??

pro tip: after 30, Gatorade is the only thing that will hydrate my hangover. Straight water just don't cut it no more. still- I always thought these electrolyte drinks all taste like ball sweat.

There's a Vitamin Water Zero with caffeine that I swear is the greatest energy drink ever. All the awake-ness and none of the jitters.

Ugh, I loathe Gatorade. Actually, I used to loathe Gatorade . . . I can tolerate it now. Recently the hubs and I went on a camping trip to the Four Corners area and it was hot and dry and we were hiking and biking and climbing in and out of cliff dwellings. So, I broke down and bought G2 because I knew there was…

TRUTH. Vitamin Water tastes like shit.