If you weren’t looking down at your feet, you would trip over the bar that Joe Rogan sets for podcast quality.

Oh, dairy. Right. For a moment, I was thinking that there was some kind of mystery meat in peanut butter cups.

God cares about what you eat on Friday for one month a year!

I prefer desk cocaine. 

AKA “Scooby Snacks” because they are usually created when very high.

I hate to break it to the kiddos, but my high school girlfriend in 1985 use to put Carmex under her eyes claiming a quick rush.

The Last of Us is real!

If the mobile networks go down, your landline will probably be worthless because all other infrastructure will also be offline. Maybe you can call your grandmother on her landline and say goodbye.

Rules for compliments:

Sex Dungeon!

It’s because your mother didn’t love you enough. 

Highballs and key parties. 

Punch someone, he falls and cracks their head open, you go to jail for manslaughter because he bumped into you and spilled your drink.

If he takes his shoes off, walk away.

Be equally careful with “throwaway ticketing”.

I take a standard Big Mac, cut it into four equal sections, skewer each section from top to bottom, beer batter each section, and then deep fry them until the batter is crispy.

Why would you open the door?

There is always someone worse sneaking up behind the latest food industry douchebag looking to know them off of their blonde-tipped thrown. 

I hate to tell you that, but whether you dine at my house or a restaurant, that’s about what you are getting.

I’ve found that a chorus of “Singing in the rain” or “Twinkle Twinkle” will do it. I do it silently and suggest the same.