I was minding my own business (being a drunk asshole) outside a club, when a cop (not a cop, a security guard) hand cuffed me...am I cool yet?!

Maybe they’ll have a hyphenated last name and she will hence be known as April Thick-Love.

I’m Cindymoo’s rebound person. However, the person she was dating before me was a guy, and she was only dating him to keep up the cover that she was straight. So I’m technically a rebound, but really just the love of her life.

A. Duh. I mean, the dude might be a total douche, but he’s rich and not terrible to look at. Hoard as much money as you can, bone him till you get bored, and then divorce his sorry ass and hope he writes you a creepy tribute album that you can talk about at cocktail parties wearing the expensive dress his money…

I pick b as long as my date was Lindsey Graham or whatshisface from Texas.

When I first read Whiplash, I was feeling dead inside. I didn’t have an interesting part (in Divergent), and I’d taken the film for business reasons: It was the first movie I’d done that was going to have an international audience. I called my agent and said, ‘This sucks.’ He told me about Whiplash.

Isn’t writing in the second person something we were taught not to do in freshman creative writing?

As long as they’ve got each other.

Not if she shows him that smile again! Also doesn’t waste another minute on her cryin’.

Snooki wants you to know that she got her lips done.

did you donate to his SUPER PECK?

We hear now on all sides the term “robber barons” applied to some of the great capitalists. ... The old robber barons of the Middle Ages who plundered sword in hand and lance in rest were more honest than this new aristocracy of swindling millionaires.

Yeah, I’m a good little capitalist, but I believe the market has excesses, and it’s the government’s job to regulate the market, when the market can’t regulate itself. This is a case where clearly the market isn’t doing a very good job. Best case scenario: public shaming ensues, shareholders realize capital is not…

clam slam jon hamm

This chart is useful, though, if for no other reason to find out that Air Canada warms your nuts in business class.

Rather than saying “Never take the full amount”. How about “Be responsible about how much money you borrow” If you plan on borrowing $15k, and the bank offers you $15k, then its fine to take $15k. The decision about how much money you’re going to be borrowing should really be made BEFORE you apply for financing.…

Nah, it’s too Woody Allen.

YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAM MOUTH FINGERS WITH THE TYPING.

I do a similar thing when it comes to entertainment. I’m a big video game person, so my goal is usually about “$1 an hour”. 40 hours of gameplay on a $40 game is a good deal for me, especially when I can easily log 200 hours on some of my favorites games. It can be way harder to get that ratio for most other media…

Cop who killed Michael Brown talks about his difficult life in isolation. Michael Brown unavailable for comment.