My family was born divided: my mom was a diehard White Sox fan, my dad- a traitor to his Southside origins- a Cubs fan. My mother found out after their third date and didn’t call him back for a week because of it. I like to believe that I exist because of my mother’s tolerance for Cubs fans.

Why would you wish such indignity on your own progeny?

#3 is clearly the most likely event to occur within the next three years

Future headlines:

My 2 yo daughter got that last week.  I always thought she could pitch for the Mets, but now I’m sure of it.

As a parent my first thought was "poop"

As a non-parent, I immediately pictured Syndergaard catching this disease from chowing down on his toenail clippings.

The Time+Tragedy=Comedy equation doesn’t properly allow for eventualities like the Cleveland Browns, where the tragedy is forever unfolding and unspools over decades and generations....

No Cleveland Browns joke could possibly be considered “too soon”

Luckily for the Vikings, Josh Hader is just one state over, and has plenty of experience with offensive lines.

Bjelica played a bunch of minutes at small forward in Minnesota so he will likely fill that position in Sacramento as well, but the Kings do indeed have a very odd roster construction at the moment with gobs of guards and bugs and none of the 6'8" range-y wings that are all the rage at the moment.  It's either…

Well, he did beat GSW with a Flat Earther. 

Nobody expects the Spanish acquisition

The Poor Man’s Robert Horry.

Even worse, he deserves to be.

Current iteration of Michael Beasley is better than Derrick Rose. 

[minutes before tipoff]

Beasley has been pretty open about his mental health struggles and the work he’s done to get where he is now. I know this piece is light hearted and I’ll agree as a Knicks fan he’s still flaky as hell (in a fun and positive way). But he should be applauded for turning his life around.

I have to assume the Lakers are trying an experiment to see which player from the Island of Misfit Toys Lebron kills first.

Wait until they sign Dwayne Wade.