That was beautiful and poetic. I’ve never heard diharrea sound so transcendent.

ARE YOU A POOPING BIRD??

This makes me want to write an entire standup set about like... Teapots and brooms and lightbulbs. I'm sure SOMEONE would figure out how to be offended anyway, haha.

Well that's like half of all pregnancies summed up so either way works.

I applaud you for how much less deadly this .gif was than what I’d imagined. And for how much more appropriate it is for the situation than something more violent. Pathetic begets pathetic.

Maybe “bigot”?

YOU MUST BE AS STONED AS I AM BECAUSE THAT IS REAL GREAT.

This sounds hilarious; how old is he??

OH MY GOD I just watched the running away video! She is THIS DRUNK all the time?? THIS IS AMAZING AND HILARIOUS.

DUDE. How DRUNK is she? Like, that is fantastic. She is all-capital-letters DRUNK.

I guess all I really have to say is that I very genuinely wish Texas the best of luck in its continuing efforts to secede from the rest of America.

ExCUSE me, that classic is called “Put It On Me” and will ALWAYS be the most romantic song ever.

This picture is EVERYTHING.

If you want to redeem Seattle’s palette, take a trip to Kabul in Wallingford and marvel at the delight that can actually exist in your mouth. They’re only open after five I believe but it’s the best Afghan food in the city.

Even as a native Seattlite, I cannot get behind cream cheese on hot dogs. HOWEVER: I RECENTLY PUT BRIE ON MY BRATWURST AS THERE WERE NO OTHER CONDIMENTS AVAILABLE AT THE COOKOUT AND HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT EVERYONE PLEASE TRY THIS ASAP. (It is so good it truly merits all those caps.)

Really? I do, and a hell of a lot more now than I would have ten years ago. Just because it’s 2015 doesn’t mean that people will necessarily be less ignorant than they were ten, or twenty, or more years ago. I think one of the biggest problems with today’s world is that it’s REALLY easy for those who have no desire to…

I don’t understand how Scandinavia continues to have the most bizarre, confusing, and yet still delicious, food ever.

Wait until they find out about the “cop rack” on those giant bread shelves...

I only made it 13 seconds... Sweet Jesus, that was awful.

My 19-year-old nephew recently posted some DUMB-AS-SHIT image on his facebook about how “a key that unlocks every door is magical but a lock that any key can open is worthless” and HOOOOOO BOOOOYYY, did his uncle and I take him to task on that. While he didn’t end up taking it down, I thought it was HILARIOUS that he…