Y'all are some pedantic motherfuckers when it comes to this stuff. It was a good post, for this reason: nobody's going to read it and suddenly start ignoring people thrashing in the water. What they might do, though, is keep a closer eye out for people who need help but wouldn't ordinarily draw much attention.

I just can't right now, I just can't even.

You're gonna get a lot of replies, so let me summarize what others are saying: "lol you're dumb as shit and you can't read, you should stop posting forever."

What a broken bunch of authority-fellating dumbfucks we are as a country. I don't care if you're trolling - you still represent what a ton of people actually believe.

It doesn't count as alcoholism if you're a writer, because science.

Yeah, that's a bad joke on my part, sorry about that. And besides, given the choice I'd rather go out like Toonces, anyway.

It was a bad joke on my part.

Apologies, that was a bad joke on my part. I can't imagine what it's like as a driver, that's gotta be unspeakably awful to see it happen.

Morbid as it may be, if I'm ever tasked with figuring out the best method for killing myself, high speed train is the hands-down winner. I have a serious respect for trains after watching videos like this one.

Because teachers aren't glorifying a war fought to own black people.

Why, I don't know how you could possibly say that...

I will pay someone $10 to kick Jalopnik poster Derfel in the testicles. I think we can all agree that this, at least, would be good for America.

If you were the kind of person so desperate to make a living that you're working for the TSA, then of course you'd have done it. You'd have done it, because the alternative is very likely "stop living under a roof for a while."

Potato. You've never heard the phrase "Damn, check out that hot potato!" before?

I'm sorry, am I reading this right? They receive $125 per game? I mean I wouldn't expect anyone (well, almost) to get rich being a cheerleader, but goddamn.

If you're on Android you have no reason to use IFTTT: you've got Tasker. May not look as pretty, but it does ten times what IFTTT can. I've been away from Android for a couple of years now, and I still miss it.

"And they got crafty too. They'd look up information on the people who'd placed unwanted calls to Stave, and then when they called, they'd drop the names of the person's children or their school into the conversation. They'd also, said Stave, "tell them that we bless their home on such and such street," and then name…

Holy shit, that kid is Bowie. That is Bowie.

"That is illegal, and it shows this photographer has a high sense of entitlement with regard to the rules and common social mores."

This whole incident speaks to some fundamental problems with American culture, especially in the inner city.