Yeah there’s literally no way that I have had sex with more people than John Mayer. I’m a sexually-repressed Catholic (I am aware that’s redundant) with daddy issues and about 25 extra pounds on a body that’s too short to look good with that amount of excess weight. I’m cute and fun, but not cute or fun enough to…

He probably takes “no” about as well as Combover Caligula does.

I have one kid, and every time I heard, “But you’re such a good mom, you should have more!” My answer was along the lines of “The reason I’m a good mom is that I know how much I can handle successfully.” That shut them up, left them feeling vaguely dissed and also like feeling dissed was their own fault. It was kind…

When you’re single: But when are you gonna find someone?

I love me some Meghan. I can’t help myself. She’s elegant, full to the brim with decency and good will – and she’s got charisma up the wazoo. Topping it all off is that sexy-in-love glow.

Glad I’m not the only one who thought so. The overuse of italics really took me out of the narrative flow. 

Honestly, I thought that one was the least scary - it was so caught up in flowery language that it obscured anything scary in the story.

Girl, I fucking LOVED HIM SO MUCH when he was on the M’s. My dad used to take us to the Kingdome to watch the games from the nosebleed seats and my 10-year-old ass would just swoon.

He sounds like quite a loverboy, ‘cause everybody’s working for The Weekend.

So, I don’t mean this in either a good or bad way. Seriously, I mean that. This person is EXACTLY the kind of person I picture in my mind when I think of artsy, self-indulgent, independent film director. They can be very magnanimous and simultaneously very self-centered at the same time. They can be woke and…

Caliburger is an In-N-Out rip off for those of us who live outside of the areas of the country where In-N-Out is willing to build restaurants.

I’ve began eye-rolling at everything Cardi B says now.

Thank you for this pubic service announcement. The ONLY thing I think of when I hear about John Mayer is ‘David Duke Dick.’ Nothing about him matters as much as that - certainly not his soft rock easy listening elevator music.

I had a completely garbage day and the world is on fire and the only thing that has brought me joy is David Schwimmer being in on the joke. Bless you Ross, I needed that. 

A lot of white girls (and they must be white for David Duke Dick) are super hard-up for something even vaguely, sort of resembling a rock star.

Why would I want to be with someone who has been with hundreds of women? I would be afraid that he wouldn’t even remember my name afterwards. If you’re going to fuck a star, make it a hard star to fuck, and make it memorable for everyone involved. Have some fucking pride in your work.

He has never done a thing for me.

When he sings his mouth guppies the mic and that’s all I can see. He’s so overly close to it you know his gross mouth germs are coating it by the end. They should toss it into a hazmat receptacle after every show. Maybe after every song.

Jamie Lee Curtis, 59, told People that she hid an addiction to opiates which began in the late 1980s, shortly after her iconic turn as Laurie Strode in John Carpenter’s Halloween.

That’s awesome! Does she play tennis herself? My dad went as Mr. T for Halloween in Alabama in 1985 and he knew not to wear blackface, and he’s way older than Meghan KKKelly.