Facebook is perpetually offering me access to a divorce lawyer, which is suuuper helpful considering I am not and have never been married. Do I just seem sad or something?

Uh, duuuuuude, considering everything she ACTually said in her statement was about loving her body and learning about it and appreciating it, I feel like you threw a headline on this without considering the true context. A woman has a right to feel a tad out of sorts during a pregnancy, when your body quickly changes…

I'm surprised that Lindsay Lohan isn't tired of Lindsay Lohan's shit at this point.

I agree. I also find Dita annoying in general. People seem to think she's so cool, but she just screams affectation.

What's so hard about this for you liberals to get?! The very definition of "marriage" is one man and one woman. FULL STOP. If we changed this definition, all our old dictionaries would suddenly be wrong, and then we'd have to all go out and get new dictionaries, except we CAN'T, because Borders went out of business…

I AM FUCKING DONE HERE.

Just what the doctor ordered! "Talk to two tabloids, then call me in the morning."

I knew I was straight in pre-k, when I had my first crushes on two different boys. I didn't know that there was a word for it, or that it was something somehow more meaningful than "those boys are cute and I want to play with them." I just knew I had a gigantic crush on John and also on Danny. There are many instances…

What about having the willpower to restrain yourself from putting every random negative thought on display for the public HMM?

Your grandmother was very wise about death and food (Seriously, how do they manage to steal all the flavor from jello?).

"Angelina Jolie was born to whittle men..."

Anyone can offer anyone anything. If the parents dont want him to have them they can *GASP* say no.

Well, since homosexuality is common in nature, that means they are cool with gay marriage, right? I mean, it IS science and all.

SCIENCE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!

One man over the age of 10 can pull off an Iron Man suit... coincidentally, it is a man many would like to pull it off of...

Excuse me, we're talking Reading here. Please save your math questions until 3rd period.

"Oh, hey. Need anything from the kitchen?"

I'd say those types of books are one big part of the problem.

You stop that right there. Birth control is just a fancy way of saying whore pellets and abortion is a shortened version of angel killer.