You know how Facebook brings together old high school friends and stuff? A few years ago I friended a guy who had been two grades above me. I grew up in a small town and I had sort of known him growing up and we had a lot of mutual friends in common. Eventually he confessed to me that he'd been in love with me…

I don't understand why any of us have to be invested in their reproduction at all. As we should learn from watching other celebrity offspring coughJadenSmithcough, they don't come out any more magical than non-celebrity kids. If anything, they're weird.

I've found that people who get freaked out by reading food labels don't read them, because they know the knowledge will freak them out. It's why I avoid sticking my hands into dark areas. There could be a spider in there.

Memberships into anything should be left up to the parents. Just as healthcare, religion, sports, and group activities are.

I never showered or bathed with my mom, mainly because she was obese and hated showers and only she could fit in the tub. I did, however, see one of my sisters changing once. Back in the 70s.

Plus, the picture indicating that the drink enthusiasts are somewhere very warm isn't helping my thirst level.

Because MIRACLES.

"Oh, they both died. It appears the experts, i.e., the doctors, were correct all along. Our bad."

The only thing I want to know is...was he making Iron Man flying/fighting noises while they rode to their destination?

Meanwhile, I continue to not care about how often millions of strangers are having sex. Or not.

Really? I don't have kids of my own, but I was independently reading before the age of 5 and was so good at it that when I was in kindergarten the teacher would sometimes give me the book to read to my peers during story time while she did whatever.

Because sensationalism! *JAZZ HANDS*

That movie was cute and tolerable for one viewing, but I'll never be able to watch it again. Because NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT. NO ONE.

Yes, but what about meth FACE?

I take birth control to regulate my premature ovarian failure. But thank you for continuing the myth that birth control pills are only about "sexy time."

Do as we SAY, not as we DO. Nothing to see here, look over there!

"Books and books and books have been written about it, and no one understands it." He went on to say, "Of course, I haven't read any of these books. Because if I did I'd know that calling a woman 'it' might be part of the problem."

I'm 5'6" and roughly 150, down from 175. I'm fascinated by the phenomenon that 5'5" is considered short, but add one inch and 5'6" is magically average. But I'm a chick and chick sizes run differently, right?

My parents are very much the sedentary people who often say to me, "Exercise will kill you" because they've read stories about runners who have died while running. Even better, a local cop had a heart attack while jogging near their house so that's all the evidence they need.

Limit capacity to 20 people. There, drunk artist hipsters, I just solved your problem for you.