I refuse to thank my mother ever damn year for giving birth to me when she's made it perfectly clear that I'm a mongrel and having kids ruined her life. She can buy her own box of wine, which I'm pretty sure she has. Either that or one of those big jugs of wine.

After growing up with emotionally absent parents, I finally had a therapist tell me that I'm responsible for my feelings. I may never ever ever get the reaction I want from other people. I can throw the biggest tantrum I want, give a dozen people the silent treatment, or cut people off completely, and NONE of that…

Let's see...90 days without her precious Adderall or 12 hours in jail before she's released due to overcrowding? I think we all know what she's going to choose. There's no way Lohan is ever going to spend even one full day in jail.

About the same time I knew I liked boys I also knew I didn't want to be a mom. I knew these things in preschool. I'm 42 and childless. But I also have 10 nieces and nephews who I adore. It all kind of worked out, though, since I ended up developing a medical condition making it nearly impossible for me to get…

I know he's right, I've complained about myself before. But I hadn't realized just how much it was affecting him until he said something. So far I've been off of Facebook for two days and I've limited my "news surfing" significantly, especially after 6pm. It's been hard, though. I have a compulsion to grab my iPad…

I stupidly lasted three episodes. In those three episodes I learned all I needed to: Whitney was perpetually mad at her boyfriend and played mind games with him, daring him to read her damn mind and figure out the one thing that would make her happy so that the episode could end with her happy and him thanking…

What's funny is that my husband confronted me about my internet addiction last night. (Okay, there wasn't anything funny about it)

And if the Lord Jesus Christ had his way he'd make the other team's bus catch fire on the way back to the Hellmouth they call a home town. Thankfully he has some disciples holding him back saying, "C'mon, Jesus, let it go. You made your point, man."

Zero. Zero dozen.

She shouldn't try to be herself and live her life on her terms. I'm going to have my mom give her a call and lecture her on "growing up" and "acting her age". I just hope my mom gets in one good "what the hell is WRONG with you?!" before Avril hangs up.

"If the wind is blowing, try to block him from it or else he'll pop a tent and everyone will think his boner is because of that sexy pantsuit you're wearing and not because the wind is personally taunting him."

Ugh!

The implication of "They're just women, who cares? They probably had it coming." makes me all ragey. I want to know how difficult it is for CPD to get warrants to search houses, because if all the cops did was knock on the door and shrug their shoulders and walk away smacks of laziness. "Fuck it, too hard to get a…

My dog says you're gross.

My oldest sister had eight kids. When I asked my two oldest nieces if they were ever going to have kids of their own, they looked at each other and said, "We've already raised kids. We're not having anymore."

Because a hip holster will make my ass look big.

I'm 42 and expect that soon enough the masses will be chasing me around with torches and pitchforks. We older women are gross and only getting grosser. Amiright, Jezebel? High five! (don't worry, my aging body isn't contagious)

We REALLY have an unhealthy relationship with death.

"This wouldn't have happened if she hadn't lashed out,"

I want to abuse fat substances with you.